Thursday, April 22, 2010

Dr. Death Warmed Over

Air travel is back to normal in Europe now that the volcano in Iceland has stopped spewing ash. However, to be on the safe side, passengers should avoid boarding any plane that has “Wash me” written in the dust on its tail.

Staff at Disneyland Paris refused to allow an 8-year-old girl wearing a fancy gown to enter the park because they were afraid people might confuse her with a cartoon character. Kind of like how people confuse the guy wearing a feather boa but no pants because they think he’s Donald Duck.

A new report says that the number of people killed in U.S. motorcycle crashes dropped 10 percent in 2009 after 11 years of steady increases. Economic conditions have forced baby boomers to cut back on buying expensive Hogs in favor of cheap ham.

The Centers for Disease Control found that hundreds of people at U.S. airports show symptoms of potentially contagious conditions but few are reported to health officials. A sure sign that the person sitting next to you on a plane is sick is if they ask the flight attendant for a second meal.

A British woman claims a recent migraine attack has left her speaking in a permanent “Chinese accent.” It causes a real problem when she hails a cab and the driver doesn’t know how to get to Rondon.

According to a new study, mercury levels are higher in some species of tuna than others. The only way to tell how much mercury is in tuna is to put the can in your mouth and see if the mermaid’s tail goes up.

NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, aka Dr. Death, says he thinks Al Pacino does a great job playing him in the new movie, “You Don’t Know Jack.” Pacino is flattered but has already turned down the role in a sequel about Kevorkian retiring to Florida tentatively called “Dr. Death Warmed Over.”

Two cows got loose on the Ohio State University campus and many students skipped classes to watch the police chase that lasted more than 90 minutes. Football coach Jim Tressel was disappointed to find out his big new offensive lineman with the unusual stance was one of them.

In a speech at DePaul University, RNC Chairman Michael Steele told students that African-Americans “don't have a reason” to vote for Republican candidates. That’s not true. Black college students love the party now that Republican politicians are starting to act like they’re in a Tracey Morgan movie.

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