“Roads” scholarship

A three-legged bobcat injured in a trap was released back into the wild by wildlife authorities in Texas. Now they should help it survive by hitting the nearby roads and removing all of the “Deer Crossing” signs.

Ohio health officials say the state is experiencing a baby boom nine months after Hurricane Ike knocked out electricity to portions of the state. To prevent this from happening the next time the power goes out, they suggest that women stockpile batteries for their vibrators.

New York's Correction Department is denying a report that rapper Foxy Brown received special treatment at Rikers Island prison while serving a nine-month sentence. Apparently anyone incarcerated there can get their nails done by the inmates who paint the license plates.

An auctioneer in New Hampshire sold a famous 1951 photograph of Albert Einstein sticking out his tongue for $74,324. The photo was apparently taken when Einstein briefly played in a band called Theory of KISS-itivity.

President Obama says he welcomes the pharmaceutical industry's agreement to help close the so-called “donut hole” in Medicare's drug coverage. He plans to tour the country assuring the elderly that this does not affect their senior discount at donut shops.

President Obama signed the anti-smoking bill that will give the Food and Drug Administration unprecedented authority to regulate tobacco. His hand was shaking until Joe Biden gave him a fist bump while secretly passing Obama a nicotine patch.

The British government has issued new guidelines allowing teachers to ignore the age-old spelling rule of “i before e, except after c” because there are too many exceptions. This is good news for all of those poor spellers who still want to attend the University of Oxford on a “Roads” scholarship.

The Eastman Kodak Co. announced it will no longer make Kodachrome because demand for the film has all but disappeared. Paul Simon plans to sue because it kills his song “Kodachrome” and he can’t come up with anything that rhymes with “digital.”

A woman claims she was wrongly evicted from her apartment because she kept her Easter decorations on her door for two weeks after the holiday. The neighbors didn’t mind because the marshmallow Peeps were attracting mice and ants away from the candy canes they still had up from Christmas.

Apple co-founder and CEO Steve Jobs reportedly is recovering from a liver transplant he received two months ago. His old partner Steve Wozniak didn’t give him the liver but says that if Jobs has a hard time gaining weight, he’ll be happy to donate the results of his liposuction.

Lucas Glover beat the rain to win the U.S. Open by two strokes over Phil Mickelson, David Duval and Ricky Barnes. Defending champion Tiger Woods ended up in a tie for sixth but finished first in earnings after selling shots of water wrung from his clothes.