Barflyosaurus

NASA says that the Mars rover Spirit has been stuck in a hole for some time but is still issuing reports. If this keeps up, hey may change its name to “Geraldo.”

A University of Chicago paleontologist claims to have discovered the first dinosaur species that ate mainly nuts. It washed them down with fermented grains, which explains the name “Barflyosaurus.”

Many web sites crashed and the Internet was extremely slow as news of Michael Jackson’s death spread. One positive note … many companies reported a surge in productivity as workers were unable to download porn.

During a routine traffic stop in Dallas, Texas, police inspecting a van found a casket filled with nearly 100 pounds of marijuana. Rumors immediately spread on the Internet that Willie Nelson had died.

The celebrity Web site TMZ.com is taking credit for being the first to break the news about Michael Jackson's death. In spite of this, TMZ’s stock price dropped 50 percent as investors realized it had just lost its primary source of news.

Lawmakers in the nation’s smallest state are trying to change its official name, “State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations,” because it conjures up images of slavery. Not to mention the fact that putting it on license plates cuts gas mileage by adding five pounds to the weight of the car.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says he’ll reimburse the state for the trip he took to Argentina to see his mistress. He has no plans to reimburse his fellow Republicans for the cost of the brown paper bags they’ve had to wear on their heads since he got back.

Jeff Goldblum's publicist denied rumors that the had died during a fall on movie shoot in New Zealand. Goldblum sent his condolences to the owner of the dead emu he was mistaken for.

President Obama hosted a Hawaiian luau at the White House for members of Congress. Even though everyone was wearing a lei, it didn’t top Bill Clinton’s record for most lays on the White House lawn.

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police credit one of their dogs with locating an 84-year-old man who spent four days trapped in an old dry well in British Columbia. Luckily for the man, his name was Timmy and the dog’s was Lassie.

Singer and actress Jennifer Lopez is discontinuing production of Sweetface, the line of high-end urban streetwear she introduced in 2003. JLo refused the advice of fashion experts who urged her to change the name to Sweetbutt.

Police in Austin, Texas, arrested a 73-year-old golfer aiming a loaded gun at another player because he was playing too slow. The other player wasn’t too worried because he was wearing a lime shirt and the old man hadn’t hit a green all day.