Law and Order: Special Birthmark Unit

The Supreme Court voted 8-to-1 that a school's strip search of an Arizona teenage girl accused of having prescription-strength ibuprofen was illegal, with Justice Clarence Thomas being the only dissenter. Thomas was hoping to sway the ruling so he’d get a chance to strip-search Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor

Swine flu cases in England have forced some Roman Catholic churches to temporarily stop sharing Communion wine. Local priests are reluctant to ban the wine-sharing unless their altar boys suddenly start sneezing.

Comedienne and TV personality Rosie O'Donnell will host a new daily morning radio show on SIRIUS XM Radio. If you hear some static while listening to Rosie’s show, that’s just the sound of SIRIUS management scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Hard-line Somali Islamists publicly cut off the right hand and left foot of four men who admitted stealing phones and guns. The men could have lost an eye too, but luckily they didn’t steal iPhones.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinijad said in an interview that President Obama should keep his fingers out of Iran's affairs. In a related story, the president of Argentina said that President Obama should keep his governors out of Argentine affairs.

Actor Lou Diamond Phillips was declared the winner of “I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!” His prize is to be moved back up to the A-list so he doesn’t have to compete any more celebrity reality shows.

Clothing designer Calvin Klein has replaced a racy New York billboard that looked like an orgy with a slightly less sexual ad featuring a wet model in a string bikini. If that one gets complaints too, they plan to punish us with a new shoot featuring Kirstie Alley.

Times Square’s popular Naked Cowboy says he plans to perform in his hometown of Greenhills, Ohio, despite complaints by a local politician that his white briefs are “indecent.” What’s really indecent is that the only new job available in Ohio is for a guy playing guitar in his underwear.

Two identical twins are on trial in Wales accused of assaulting a man who says he can’t tell them apart and is unsure which brother attacked him first. The story will eventually be turned into a crime show called “Law and Order: Special Birthmark Unit.”

Cleveland and Phoenix have agreed to a deal that will send Shaquille O'Neal to the Cavaliers to play with LeBron James next season. Nike has already ordered a truckload of foam rubber and 100 yards of felt to start making a Shaq puppet.

Farmers legally growing opium poppies in Tasmania say wallabies are getting high on the poppies and hopping around in circles, creating crop circles. On the positive side, the sight of drug-crazed kangaroos has transformed many Tasmanian devils into angels.

Archeologists say a bird-bone flute unearthed in a German cave was carved some 35,000 years ago and is the oldest handcrafted musical instrument yet discovered. Some things never change. The instrument was found near drawings of cavemen throwing spears at the flute-player.

It looks like South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s affair has ended his chances of running for president as a Republican. His only chance is to prove he was introduced to his mistress by Sarah Palin.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is starting to sound a little desperate. Today Sanford apologized for the way he treated Aunt Esther.

Officials with the Brooklyn Museum say a CT scan performed on an Egyptian mummy thought to be Lady Hor revealed the remains have a penis and are probably not of a woman. This could explain why Ann Coulter has cancelled all book signings at the museum.