Just The Way You Aren’t

Former President George W. Bush broke his promise to not criticize his successor by criticizing President Obama’s decision to close Gitmo. Bush apparently feels much safer about saying nasty things about Obama now that Jay Leno is gone for a while.

After watching President Obamam kill a fly with his hand, PETA sent the White House a device that allows users to trap a house fly and then release it outside. President Obama likes it so much, he asked for another one big enough for Republican senators.

Police in Puerto Rico arrested a man accused of stealing 88 panties from his neighbor’s clothesline over a period of several months. The woman kept replacing her sexy underwear, thinking it was being taken by birds building a love nest.

Paris Hilton claims she’s studied the culture of Dubai and won’t do anything to offend viewers on her Mideast edition of “Paris Hilton's My New BFF.” Wait until she finds out that her audience only likes seeing camel toes on real camels.

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton fractured her right elbow during a fall in Washington. This is good news for Bill since that’s her lamp-throwing arm.

It looks like Billy Joel is getting a divorce from his third wife, Katie Lee, who he recorded the song “All My Life” for as an anniversary gift. For their divorce, he’s recording a new song called “Just The Way You Aren’t.”

Tom Cruise and J.J. Abrams have agreed to co-produce “Mission: Impossible IV” for release in 2011. Tom agreed to do it after the only other role he was offered this year was to replace Sean Penn as Larry in the Three Stooges movie.

Jane Fonda is recovering from surgery to replace her left knee with a titanium rod and ceramic joint. Her brother Peter says he fondly remembers having many titanium rods and ceramic joints while shooting “Easy Rider.”

The father of American Idol runner-up David Archuleta was charged with soliciting a massage parlor prostitute in Midvale, Utah. What a shock. Who knew there were massage parlors in Utah?

The Lambert-St. Louis International has opened a pair of rest areas for traveling dogs equipped with park benches, trash cans and plastic bags for cleanup. They’re so much nicer than the human restrooms, a number of passengers are tying their belts around their necks and trying to sneak in.

Taking a page from Norman Bates in “Psycho,” a New York man put on a dress, wig and makeup to impersonate his dead mother and collect Social Security and rent subsidies. He was caught when he slapped a lovestruck government clerk who called him “Tootsie.”