Sunday, April 26, 2009

Holding out for an offer from "Wife Swap"

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton secretly visited Lebanon after secretly visiting Iraq. She wouldn’t say how she learned her stealth techniques, but she checked into a Beirut hotel as “Mrs. Smith.”

President Obama’s doctors say he has no sign of swine flu after his recent visit to Mexico. But just to be on the safe side, Sahsha and Malia told him to stay away from their piggy banks.

The Department of Health and Human Services is tracking a swine flu outbreak that started in Mexico and has spread to the U.S. It’s not too hard to track. They just use Google satellite pictures to find drug stores with people carrying out cases of Nyquil.

White House reporters are tracking the progress of baby robins nesting in a bush outside the White House briefing room. The robins seem oblivious to all of the reporters, but they go crazy when Helen Thomas stops by to spit worms in their mouths.

A woman who claims she was sexually harassed and then fired from the TV show “Lost” is suing ABC and actor Henry Ian Cusick, who plays Desmond Hume. She’s asking for $5 million in damages and for Cusick’s character to be fondled without a stunt double by the island’s polar bear.

A Michigan high school student got perfect scores on the SAT, the PSAT and the ACT college entrance tests. Ironically, she still gets less scholarship offers than football players who get perfect scores on one drug test.

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich's wife, Patti, has been approached to appear on “I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!,” the show her husband wanted to be on before a judge stopped him. Patti is holding off until she hears back from “Wife Swap.”

“Britain's Got Talent!” and YouTube star Susan Boyle has been photographed with a new hairdo, plucked eyebrows and more stylish clothes. There goes her chance to move on to the next round by doing her impression of Yoda singing opera.

There’s a lot of pressure on Matthew Stafford, the quarterback drafted number one by the Detroit Lions. His new contract pays bonuses for making the payoffs, winning the Super Bowl and making Detroiters forget GM and Chrysler.

A British man has released an 1884 photograph of his great-grandfather, a 19th century inventor, sitting on Britain's first electric car. The photograph of the car is so clear, he’s already received an offer to buy it from General Motors.

General Motors has decided to kill off the 83-year-old Pontiac brand. Car buyers looking for Pontiac’s famous “wide-track” ride will have to settle for duct-taping two Smart cars together.

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