Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Reasons We Love Man-Boobs

For the first time, an accused domestic terrorist - Daniel Andreas San Diego - has been added to the FBI's list of "Most Wanted" terror suspects. He credits the award to his 2003 bombings of two corporate offices in California and the fact that members of the Bush administration aren’t eligible until 2010.

Former presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together in Toronto next month to debate the global and domestic challenges facing the United States and Canada. Clinton will support cooperating with Canada to fight global warming while Bush will support invading Canada to take back our two baseball teams.

The May cover of Washingtonian magazine features paparazzi photos of a shirtless Barack Obama to promote the article “Reasons We Love Washington.” Not to be outdone, AARP Magazine will feature a shirtless John McCain to promote the article, “Reasons We Love Man-Boobs.”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney says President Obama’s handshake with Venezuela's Hugo Chavez was “not helpful.” Cheney’s definition of a “helpful” handshake with Chavez is one where Obama would have ended up with more fingers than he started with.

A couple in Minnesota has discovered that their Portuguese water dog Ruby has the same father as the Obama family’s new pet, making her Bo Obama’s half-sister. Not surprisingly, Ruby is now demanding better food, a bigger bed and Secret Service protection when she runs across the street to chase squirrels.

Dan Brown, author of “The Da Vinci Code,” has a new book coming out in September called “The Lost Symbol.” In this one, symbolist Robert Langdon looks for the reason why he’s played in the movies by Tom Hanks instead of Brad Pitt.

The Susan Boyle saga shows no signs of ending. Today thousands of women in Beverly Hills cancelled their Botox injections in favor of an implant to join their eyebrows.

Not everyone is excited about the unexpected popularity of Susan Boyle. Her lawyer says she’s being sued by Phyllis Diller for stealing her act.

In Omaha, Nebraska, the Covenant Presbyterian Church paid eight people $25 each to attend a service Sunday and complete a survey about the experience. Their biggest complaint was that they were given the money right before the minister passed the plate.

A teen boy in Wichita, Kansas, got a date for the prom by posting an ad on Craigslist. It was a typical Craigslist date. She didn’t look anything like her photo but he got a free massage and she let him keep her panties.

A Japanese telecommunications company is developing a solar-powered, waterproof cell phone that will be perfect for the beach or pool. And for texting on really hot days, it comes with little flip-flops for your thumbs.

A survey by the Chinese government has determined that China's historic Great Wall is about 1,550 miles longer than previously thought. The Chinese wanted to make sure the Great Wall doesn’t get surpassed by our Border Patrol’s Great Fence.

The Indian Space Research Organization has successfully launched a radar imaging satellite. While something to be proud of, it’s still a long way from India’s goal of being the first country to have a sacred cow jump over the moon.

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