Monday, April 6, 2009

Presidents are only supposed to pardon a turkey on Thanksgiving

While visiting Turkey, President Obama declared that the United States “is not and will never be at war with Islam.” This upset former president George W. Bush who said that presidents are only supposed to pardon a turkey on Thanksgiving.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner says the government is cracking down on mortgage modification scammers who take advantage of homeowners in danger of default. I think this government program is called “shooting fish in a barrel.”

Military experts say that North Korea's recent rocket launch ended up in the ocean but it still traveled twice as far as any missile the country has launched before. The Pentagon is apparently using the same PR guy who used to compliment President Bush in Opening Day for getting the first pitch over the plate even if it was on a bounce.

A new line of housewares and furniture bearing the name of Country Living magazine will debut at Sears and Kmart stores this fall. Shoppers are expected to go for Country Living items since so many of them had their homes foreclosed and are now living in shacks in the country.

Volunteers in Vermont are helping black salamanders cross the road in the dark so they can avoid getting run over and make it to the other side to mate. Once mating season is over, these people hope to use the experience to get jobs directing traffic in front of strip clubs.

Researchers say that the sea ice in the Arctic is thinner than it ever was before. How thin is it? It’s so thin, Santa had to replace his annual Elves on Ice spring pageant with reindeer water polo games.

Researchers in Japan found that eating two and a half ounces of baby broccoli daily for two months may protect against a common stomach bug that is linked to gastritis, ulcers and stomach cancer. Big deal. Who wants to live longer if you can’t get any dates because you always have green stuff stuck in your teeth?

Parents of students at a school in Bradford on Avon, England, are upset because a teacher taught their 11-year-old swear words as part of a sex and community class. They’d rather their kids learn swear words the old-fashioned way … by bringing home bad report cards.

A judge in Florida ordered an African Grey parrot to appear in court as part of a civil lawsuit contesting the matter of who is its rightful owner. The parrot refused to show up until the judge assured it he would not try to make him talk by subjecting the bird to water-perching.

Six-time NBA champion and five-time Most Valuable Player Michael Jordan has been elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame. The vote was actually in doubt until his agent convinced Michael to drop Sarah Palin as his running mate.

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