Sunday, April 19, 2009

The New Mascot of the Republican Party

Madonna suffered minor injuries and bruises after taking a tumble while horseback riding in the Hamptons when her horse was spooked by photographers. Actually, the horse got startled when the photographers were snapping pictures of it and Madonna climbed over its head to get in the shot.

General Dynamics Information Technology is looking for computer hackers to help the Homeland Security Department prepare for a cyberattack. The Bush administration thought it had the position covered but then President Obama took office and pointed out that Chloe O’Brien is just a character on “24.”

President Obama was the hit of the Summit of the Americas held on the two-island nation of Trinidad and Tobago. He was so popular, citizens of Trinidad and Tobago want to change the names of the islands to Sasha and Malia.

A woman in Mississippi was shot in the head and not only survived but made herself tea before help arrived. Based on the fact that a gun didn’t phase her and she knows how to handle a teabag, she’s being considered to replace Joe the Plumber as the new mascot of the Republican Party.

Movie star Jackie Chan is in trouble for comments he made that people in China aren’t ready for a free society and need to be controlled. Some Chinese citizens are so upset, they want him to do another Rush Hour movie where he just stands in the middle of a street during rush hour.

Disney has unveiled its first black princess, Tiana, who will star in “The Princess and the Frog.” This is great news for little African-American girls who never bought the excuse that Minnie Mouse is kind of black because she has black ears and a black nose.

Rodeo star Ty Murray says he got a black eye while practicing for “Dancing with the Stars” when he was hit by his partner’s microphone pack. He denies rumors he got it when his wife Jewel thought he was dancing closer to his partner than he got to most bulls.

The wooden putter used by golfer Dick Burton to make the final winning shot in the 1939 British Open was found is a garage in England. The putter is estimated to be worth $22,000, although Tiger Woods has offered double that just to lick it a few times for luck.

According to the latest polls, President Obama's daughters Sasha and Malia have passed the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus in popularity among tween girls. This has some people pretty upset. According to reports out of Texas, this will be the first Father’s Day in eight years that George W. Bush doesn’t get a tie from the twins.

A group of Con Edison workers in New York City are using a battery-powered owl to scare monk parakeets away from electrical equipment. It’s not the best way to scare parakeets, but they couldn’t find a battery-powered Ozzie Osbourne to threaten to bite their heads off.

Researchers have found that women body builders can put on more muscle mass if they stop taking birth control pills. It’s tough at first, but once they look and sweat like Hulk Hogan the women no longer need birth control anyway.

A love song called “Madonna Mia” that was composed in prison by Chicago mobster Al Capone has been recorded on CD and will be released on the Internet. It’s the first love song to have more bullet holes than the Beatles’ “A Day In The Life.”

No comments:

Post a Comment