Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Impossible to snort while holding your nose

President Obama and Vice President Biden welcomed former Republican Senator Arlen Specter to the Democratic Party at a White House press conference. As Biden revealed on “60 Minutes,” the president checked with him before showing Specter the secret handshake.

According to a new poll, only 21 percent of Americans call themselves Republicans. That number dropped even lower when a pollster checked a photograph more closely and realized that Rush Limbaugh is not four people.

A new report by the American Lung Association found that 60 percent of Americans live in areas with unhealthy air pollution levels. What’s even worse, the other 40 percent have allergies and can’t tell what the air smells like anyway.

Scientists in South Korean claim to have genetically engineered four cloned beagles that glow red under ultraviolet light. Not surprisingly, their research was funded by South Korean mailmen who work nights.

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police waited three weeks for an arrested drug carrier to finally deposit all 76 packets of cocaine he swallowed into a bedpan. The two pounds of cocaine had a street value of $100,000, although it would be impossible to snort while holding your nose.

Tennessee's Legislature approved a bill naming a section of road “The Jerry Lee Lewis Highway.” It’s a stretch that’s full of potholes so cars on the Jerry Lee Lewis Highway will have a whole lot of shakin’ goin’ on.

A researcher at Purdue University claims he’s developed a test that suggests fish can feel pain and they react to it much as do humans. He discovered this when his pet goldfish went belly-up watching a Red Lobster commercial.

A federal judge awarded a former Army Special Forces commander nearly $500,000 because she was rejected from a job at the Library of Congress while undergoing surgery to change from a man to a woman. The judge didn’t buy the library’s excuse that a former man would say “Shhhh!” too loudly.

A couple in Michigan credit a pet psychic with helping them find their pet Chihuahua after she was picked up and carried away by a 70-mph gust of wind. The psychic got the dog to come out of hiding by using telepathy to sing “Ding-Dong, The Witch Is Dead.”

A Radio Shack employee in Wisconsin is facing disorderly conduct and battery charges for punching a customer. Never go to Radio Shack and ask the clerk for either a radio or a shack.

Police in Wyoming arrested a 28-year-old woman for stealing a barrel of cinnamon bear candies from a local restaurant. The restaurant manager got suspicious when the blond-haired woman kept complaining that some of the bears were too hot and some were too cold but she couldn’t find one that was just right.

Actor Shia LaBeouf is in talks to co-star with Michael Douglas in Oliver Stone's sequel to his 1987 movie, “Wall Street.” Ironically, Michael Douglas needs the work because he lost a fortune in the recession.

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