Monday, August 15, 2011

Greyhound One

According to a new book, the British had a plan during the Second World War to turn Hitler into a woman by secretly putting female sex hormones in his food. Bad plan. The only thing worse than Hitler is Hitler with PMS.

The makers of Spanx have a line of figure-changing boxer shorts that are supposed to suck in beer bellies, lift up sagging butts and smooth out spare tires. If you wonder where the fat goes, they come with a warning not to put them on before taking off your baseball cap.

Ukraine’s environmental minister has banned restaurants from giving vodka to caged bears as a form of entertainment. Not only is it bad for the bears, it’s a waste of good vodka, according to Ukraine’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Alcohol.

With his approval rating below 40 percent for the first time, President Obama is visiting three states by bus. Nothing brings confidence that our leader will fix our economic problems like watching him step off of Greyhound One.

Republican presidential hopefuls Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann appeared at the same event in Iowa without acknowledging each other’s presence. They were practicing for when they’re out campaigning and meet poor people.

Warren Buffett says in a New York Times opinion piece that billionaires like himself should pay more in taxes. Wrong place. If he wants other billionaires to read it, he should write it on the back of a senator.

The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources says the invasive species known as Asian carp have been found in the Wisconsin River. Governor Scott Walker plans to stop the carp by passing a bill making it illegal for them to organize in schools.

Ron Paul says his second place finish in the Iowa straw poll with 4,671 votes shows he’s a valid candidate for president. If that’s the case, so is every kid who finished second in the high school senior class election.

Sara Lee and Kraft foods are in court fighting over whether Ball Park Franks or Oscar Meyer are the nation’s top hot dogs. No matter which one wins, we hate both of them for reminding us of Anthony Weiner.

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