The Idita-Bod

ESPN reporter Erin Andrews told Oprah Winfrey that having a nude video of her shot through a peephole distributed on the Internet was a “nightmare.” You’re telling me. I had to get a bigger monitor and a faster connection before I could see anything.

NBC announced that its new marketing slogan is “More colorful.” In response, CBS and ABC are fighting over the rights to the slogan, “More viewers.”

Macaulay Culkin's publicist denies a British tabloid report claiming that the “Home Alone” star is the biological father of the late Michael Jackson's youngest son, Prince Michael II. Blanket doesn’t look like Macaulay but he’s been known to booby-trap the house when Tito and Jermaine come to visit.

Officials at the Oregon Coast Aquarium are selling artwork painted by a pair of sea lions. Their interpretations of famous paintings include The Last Snapper, American Guppy and the Moray Lisa.

An appeals court ruled that Paris Hilton can continue pursuing a lawsuit against Hallmark Cards over the use of her picture and catch phrase “That's hot” on a greeting card. Paris is also coming out with her own line of birthday cards showing her patented technique for extinguishing birthday cake candles.

According to a new survey, people in the United States, the United Kingdom and Canada have the least respect for the professions of politician and car salesman. The main difference is that in the United Sates, that’s now a single job.

In his new memoir, former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich claims his political downfall was caused by alleged betrayals and family feuds. If his family feud were a Shakespearean play, he has the hair to play both Romeo and Juliet.

Former New York Mayor and Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani will appear on “The View” in September. Rudy is actually a big fan of “The View.” Many of his favorite dresses are patterned after Whoopi Goldberg’s.

A traffic-reporting plane with engine trouble had to make an emergency landing on a highway southwest of Boston. Out of spite, drivers stuck in the traffic jam made the reporter stand on his pilot’s shoulders and direct traffic.

It looks like Adam “`Pacman” Jones will play for the Winnepeg Blue Bombers of the Canadian Football League. In honor of his move to the CFL, he’s thinking about changing his nickname to The Idita-Bod.

Chanel, a wire-haired dachshund that held the record as the world's oldest dog, died on Long Island at the age of 21. This dog was so old, she could still remember the old days when dog food actually contained meat.

After a Wall Street Journal column suggesting Dick Cheney should run for president in 2012, some people are actually getting excited about the idea. The list includes Republicans, defense contractors and Barack Obama.

Jenna will be able to get advice from her father

A dog in Australia is recovering from emergency surgery to remove 1,000 magnets it had swallowed. The owner is afraid the dog might run away now that she can’t stick it on the refrigerator door.

Weather forecasters downgraded the Pacific Ocean storm Kevin from a tropical storm to a tropical depression. It was also renamed Hurricane Kevin Bacon since every storm on the planet on Monday was within six degrees of it.

A total of 549 musicians got together in Guadalajara, the birthplace of mariachi, to set a record for the world’s biggest mariachi band. The sound was so loud, hundreds of people fled from nearby Mexican restaurants for fear they would have to tip them.

The White House says former Vice President Dick Cheney is wrong about the Obama administration's policies for interrogating terrorists. The Obama administration uses the most effective policy allowed by the Constitution … threatening to send terrorists on a hunting trip with Cheney.

President Obama played a round of golf this week at the Army Navy Country Club, which is about a mile south of the Pentagon. This is a difficult course for president because the caddies are military personnel and it’s tough to putt when you’re constantly saluting.

September 2 marks the 40th anniversary of the birth of the Internet when two computers at UCLA were connected. It was a military application, which explains why the first Internet message was a picture of topless women in camouflage bikinis.

The NFL has decided to allow players to use social media networks like Twitter and Facebook, but not during games. The only exception is Brett Farve, who is under orders to tweet all of the other teams if he suddenly feels like retiring.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai threw his sheepskin cap after a heated meeting with U.S. special envoy Richard Holbrooke. This is a serious insult in Afghanistan, second only to throwing an actual sheep.

Jenna Bush Hager, one of the twin daughters of former President George W. Bush, has been hired as a contributing correspondent for the “Today” show. The position has nothing to do with politics, the economy or world affairs, so she’ll be able to get advice from her father.

A German TV station has admitted faking a video which showed Michael Jackson still alive and getting out of a coroner's van. Michael Jackson’s doctor saw the video and is now suing the station for ruining a pair of pants and the chair he was sitting in.

Assault-and-potpourri

Police in Florida arrested a woman for attacking a smoker with sprayed air freshener. The woman was charged with assault-and-potpourri.

The Scripps Institution of Oceanography is studying a Texas-size floating trash pile in the Pacific Ocean to see if it can be used for fuel. Derogatory remarks about the trash island have offended Texas governor Rick Perry, who is urging it to secede from the Pacific.

Department of Agriculture scientists say they've discovered that watermelon juice can be fermented into ethanol and used as a biofuel. This was discovered by a scientist who ate a slice of watermelon without spitting out the seeds, passed some gas and the seeds shot through his pants.

Philadelphia fans cheered when Michael Vick entered his first exhibition game since finishing his sentence for promoting dogfighting. He hadn’t heard cheers like that since that day in prison he threw a cafeteria meatloaf 50 yards to start a food fight.

Matt Damon is only 38, but he’s getting a lifetime achievement honor, the American Cinematheque Award. I’m not saying they’re running out of people to give this award to, but it will be shown on a network special called the Bored Initiative.

The NFL Competition Committee has ruled that a football hitting the scoreboard over the Dallas Cowboys' new field will result in an immediate stoppage of the play. This will be tough to call when Dallas plays Detroit since every time the Lions have the ball it’s an immediate stoppage of play.

Authorities in Florida are investigating an incident in which a dad took his son to school in a helicopter to impress the other students. It certainly did. They grabbed the poor kid by his underwear and spun him around, naming this new move the Chopper Wedgie.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is one of 500 victims of a multi-state identity theft crime ring. Luckily no one can cash checks with his name on them since one of his forms of ID is to point to his picture on the bank wall.

“America's Got Talent” judge David Hasselhoff will sing “Feeling Good” on the next episode of the show. He’ll be using a special sound system that will not allow the microphones to pick up the audience making the sound of a buzzer.

Actress Mischa Barton said in an interview that working, traveling and wisdom tooth surgery caused a “perfect storm” that led to her recent hospitalization. If that’s her idea of a perfect storm, menopause for her is going to be a Hurricane Mischa.

Because of Cuba’s toilet paper shortage, many Cuban retirees have started a lucrative business buying and selling old newspapers. Using newspaper for toilet paper isn’t so bad …Washington Nationals fans have been doing this with the sports page all season.

They must either be fried or on a stick

Astronomers have discovered a gigantic planet that is trying to commit suicide by orbiting closer and closer to its sun. Maybe they should have Pluto talk to it about how it overcame suicidal thoughts after being downgraded from planet status.

Concert-goers in Bucharest, Romania, booed Madonna after she criticized discrimination against Gypsies. Madonna couldn’t understand why they didn’t agree with her that people should be allowed to do musicals about old strippers.

The Dutch national museum has embarrassingly admitted that one of its prized possessions, a moon rock thought to have been brought back by U.S. astronauts, is just a piece of petrified wood. Even more embarrassing, the jar of Tang next to it is actually orange Kool-Aid.

A Nashville prison inmate says he doesn’t plan to drop his lawsuit just because the prison returned his prosthetic leg after keeping it for a year. His lawyer is urging him to give up because a jury would have been more sympathetic if he didn’t have a leg to stand on.

Michelle, Sasha and Malia made the list of the 1,000 most popular baby names, but Barack didn’t. There’s probably thousands of baby boys named Barack but all of their birth certificates have mysteriously disappeared.

A South Carolina man who builds discount wooden caskets in his backyard has been banned from selling them at a local flea market. The manager doesn’t have anything against caskets, but according to flea market rules, they must either be fried or on a stick.

The song “A Boy Like That” will now be sung in English in the Spanish revival of the Broadway musical “West Side Story” because audience members who don’t know Spanish aren’t getting its true meaning. I have the same problem with the menu at Taco Bell.

A 61-year-old man in Washington state accidentally shot himself in the leg while chasing an opossum that had been terrorizing his chickens. After leaving the hospital, he got a call from Plaxico Burress asking if he can use the possum story during his appeal.

A bankruptcy judge in Virginia approved Michael Vick's plan to repay creditors he owes $20 million to. That’s a good idea because the last thing Michael Vick wants is bill collectors dogging him.

At a town hall meeting in Arizona, Senator John McCain had security remove a woman who wouldn't stop yelling at him. McCain refused to apologize even after he found out it was Sarah Palin.

Government health officials are urging people not to panic over estimates of 90,000 people dying from swine flu this fall. Look on the bright side … it’ll make the lines shorter at the emergency room.

Bagel Monster or Oscar the Goyim

Stand-up comic Sunda Croonquist is being sued by her Jewish mother-in-law for joking about her in her act. If the mother-in-law wins the lawsuit, the Las Vegas strip is expected to dim its lights and lower flags to half-staff.

No one was seriously hurt when a small plane crash-landed in the parking lot of a shopping mall in Rockaway Township, New Jersey. However, dozens were hurt in a fight over whether the plane should be allowed to park in the handicapped space.

The cable channel A&E announced plans to produce a reality show starring the late singer Michael Jackson's brothers. I think it’s called Dancing With The Out-of-Work Brothers of a Star.

“30 Rock” star Alec Baldwin says he has no plans to move to Connecticut to run against Senator Joe Lieberman. Lieberman was relieved, but he’s still concerned over a rumor that Tina Fey might run against him as Sarah Palin.

Texas prison officials say they’ve recovered all of the $250 federal economic stimulus checks that were mistakenly sent to at least 240 prison inmates. It was an honest mistake. The checks were supposed to go to bank executives whose crimes haven’t been prosecuted yet.

The Transportation Department reports that the Cash for Clunkers program generated nearly 700,000 new car sales. That makes it the best sales tool since General Motors invented the phrase “Let me check with my manager.”

China’s Health Ministry has admitted that the majority of transplanted organs in that country come from executed prisoners. This explains why so many Chinese organ recipients get a sudden urge to change their names to Chankenstein.

Microsoft issued an apology for altering a photo on its Web site in Poland to change the race of one of the people shown in the picture from black to white. What’s even more embarrassing, it used Photoshop instead of Paint.NET.

Ben Stiller, Christina Applegate and other stars will join the Muppet Grover on a new Sesame Street-style show for teaching Jewish-American children about Jewish culture called “Shalom Sesame.” No word yet on whether Grover will be joined by Bagel Monster or Oscar the Goyim.

John Schnatter, the founder of Papa John’s Pizza, paid $250,000 for the gold-and-black 1971 Chevrolet Camaro Z28 he sold for $2,800 in 1983 to help save his father’s tavern and start his pizza business. He almost didn’t buy it when DNA tests revealed that the stains on the front seat were from Domino’s.

18 holes-in-one

The security technology company McAfee Inc. says searches for Jessica Biel lead to more online threats such as spyware and viruses than searches for any other celebrity. The worst one is the “What are you doing searching for Jessica Biel at work?” virus.

The crypt directly above Marilyn Monroe’s at the Westwood Village Memorial Park Cemetery sold in an online auction for just over $4.6 million. The purchaser is now looking for a funeral director who will agree to drill a hole in his casket and bury him face down.

While on vacation, President Obama played golf with the president of UBS Americas, a Swiss-based bank at the center of investigations into illegal tax shelters. The banker kept score, which explains why the president finished with 18 holes-in-one.

World Wrestling Entertainment is rumored to be planning its own cable network. For anyone who still hasn’t figured out wrestling is fake, the network will be called HBS.

Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird was back on the track working out only a week after undergoing throat surgery. See, even horses are afraid of losing their jobs because of medical problems.

In her first gig after leaving “American Idol,” Paula Abdul will host the “VH1 Divas” concert next month. Because of a non-compete clause in her contract, Paula has hired a team of writers to come with all new things for her to say about the divas’ outfits.

Melanie Griffith's publicist confirmed the actress has checked into a rehab facility as part of a routine plan that was designed by her and her doctors years ago. It has nothing to do with the rumor that August is the month the Betty Ford Clinic runs a special for movie casting agents.

The northern Israeli city of Kiryat Yam is offering a $1 million prize to anyone who has a photograph of a mermaid rumored to have been seen off the city's shore. The prize has been a boon for businesses selling binoculars, cameras and Photoshop software.

The British Home Office has hired a team of designers to create an alternative to the traditional pint glass for beer in pubs because of a growing number of injuries due to violent incidents with the glasses. So far, the leading design is keg with 100 really long straws.

The journal Diabetes reports of new research that daylight could be a factor in reducing fat and reversing obesity. I don’t buy it. When I eat in the daylight, I can see that I haven’t cleaned my plate yet.

Scientists on Rat Island in Alaska say their $3 million eradication program appears to have rid the island of rats for the first time since the late 1700s. Former governor Sarah Palin is waiting for an estimate from the scientists on how much it would cost to rid Alaska of reporters, liberals and Levi Johnston.

President Obama nominated Ben Bernanke to a second term as Federal Reserve Chairman. Obama credits Bernanke with saving the U.S. economy, not to mention helping him explain to his daughters why they’re not getting an allowance this year.

The sippacino

Barry Dennen, Barbra Streisand’s ex-boyfriend who discovered her in 1959 and convinced her to become a singer, is auctioning off three tapes he made of her earliest performances, with bids starting at $1 million. These tapes are so old, one of the songs Barbra sings is “The Way We Are.”

Billy Ray Cyrus said in an interview he supports his daughter Miley’s stripper pole dance at the Teen Choice Awards. Miley appreciates her dad’s support, although she wish he wouldn’t have done it while holding a fistful of dollar bills.

Starbucks is raising the prices on some of its more complex drinks, like the frappucino. Customers on a budget can still get a little of their favorite by ordering the new really small serving, the sippacino.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has issued guidelines to colleges to prepare for a possible fall swine flu epidemic. Right now, most college students plan to deal with it by doing Nyquil shots every time someone on CNN says “swine flu.”

The owner of a South Carolina bar says the sign on the door that reads “No colors” is not racist but a ban on customers wearing gang clothing. He had no explanation for why the pool tables all had 8-balls but the sign above them said “No blacks.”

A man in Australia says he waited six months to cash in a winning $2 million lottery ticket because he wasn’t ready to become a millionaire. No, wait. That’s the reason Sarah Palin gave for staying in office after the election.

A 95-year-old Pennsylvania man listed by Guinness World Records as the world's longest-serving bartender is retiring after 77 years on the job. He’s so old, he’s the only bartender left who knows how to mix a Sex on the Rumble Seat.

Police in Massachusetts arrested a woman who attacked a store clerk with a Slim Jim snack and a bottle of apple juice. Because she used the Slim Jim, the woman will be charged with da-meat-stick violence.

According to the National Climatic Data Center, the average ocean water temperature worldwide was 62.6 degrees in July, making it the hottest the world's oceans have been in almost 130 years of record-keeping. The waters are so hot, the Gulf of Mexico is only one degree away from being reclassified as gumbo.

Current Biology reports that scientists using global positioning software found that people trying to walk in straight line usually end up walking in circles. And people who try to walk in circles usually end up becoming NASCAR drivers.