Assault-and-potpourri

Police in Florida arrested a woman for attacking a smoker with sprayed air freshener. The woman was charged with assault-and-potpourri.

The Scripps Institution of Oceanography is studying a Texas-size floating trash pile in the Pacific Ocean to see if it can be used for fuel. Derogatory remarks about the trash island have offended Texas governor Rick Perry, who is urging it to secede from the Pacific.

Department of Agriculture scientists say they've discovered that watermelon juice can be fermented into ethanol and used as a biofuel. This was discovered by a scientist who ate a slice of watermelon without spitting out the seeds, passed some gas and the seeds shot through his pants.

Philadelphia fans cheered when Michael Vick entered his first exhibition game since finishing his sentence for promoting dogfighting. He hadn’t heard cheers like that since that day in prison he threw a cafeteria meatloaf 50 yards to start a food fight.

Matt Damon is only 38, but he’s getting a lifetime achievement honor, the American Cinematheque Award. I’m not saying they’re running out of people to give this award to, but it will be shown on a network special called the Bored Initiative.

The NFL Competition Committee has ruled that a football hitting the scoreboard over the Dallas Cowboys' new field will result in an immediate stoppage of the play. This will be tough to call when Dallas plays Detroit since every time the Lions have the ball it’s an immediate stoppage of play.

Authorities in Florida are investigating an incident in which a dad took his son to school in a helicopter to impress the other students. It certainly did. They grabbed the poor kid by his underwear and spun him around, naming this new move the Chopper Wedgie.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is one of 500 victims of a multi-state identity theft crime ring. Luckily no one can cash checks with his name on them since one of his forms of ID is to point to his picture on the bank wall.

“America's Got Talent” judge David Hasselhoff will sing “Feeling Good” on the next episode of the show. He’ll be using a special sound system that will not allow the microphones to pick up the audience making the sound of a buzzer.

Actress Mischa Barton said in an interview that working, traveling and wisdom tooth surgery caused a “perfect storm” that led to her recent hospitalization. If that’s her idea of a perfect storm, menopause for her is going to be a Hurricane Mischa.

Because of Cuba’s toilet paper shortage, many Cuban retirees have started a lucrative business buying and selling old newspapers. Using newspaper for toilet paper isn’t so bad …Washington Nationals fans have been doing this with the sports page all season.