18 holes-in-one

The security technology company McAfee Inc. says searches for Jessica Biel lead to more online threats such as spyware and viruses than searches for any other celebrity. The worst one is the “What are you doing searching for Jessica Biel at work?” virus.

The crypt directly above Marilyn Monroe’s at the Westwood Village Memorial Park Cemetery sold in an online auction for just over $4.6 million. The purchaser is now looking for a funeral director who will agree to drill a hole in his casket and bury him face down.

While on vacation, President Obama played golf with the president of UBS Americas, a Swiss-based bank at the center of investigations into illegal tax shelters. The banker kept score, which explains why the president finished with 18 holes-in-one.

World Wrestling Entertainment is rumored to be planning its own cable network. For anyone who still hasn’t figured out wrestling is fake, the network will be called HBS.

Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird was back on the track working out only a week after undergoing throat surgery. See, even horses are afraid of losing their jobs because of medical problems.

In her first gig after leaving “American Idol,” Paula Abdul will host the “VH1 Divas” concert next month. Because of a non-compete clause in her contract, Paula has hired a team of writers to come with all new things for her to say about the divas’ outfits.

Melanie Griffith's publicist confirmed the actress has checked into a rehab facility as part of a routine plan that was designed by her and her doctors years ago. It has nothing to do with the rumor that August is the month the Betty Ford Clinic runs a special for movie casting agents.

The northern Israeli city of Kiryat Yam is offering a $1 million prize to anyone who has a photograph of a mermaid rumored to have been seen off the city's shore. The prize has been a boon for businesses selling binoculars, cameras and Photoshop software.

The British Home Office has hired a team of designers to create an alternative to the traditional pint glass for beer in pubs because of a growing number of injuries due to violent incidents with the glasses. So far, the leading design is keg with 100 really long straws.

The journal Diabetes reports of new research that daylight could be a factor in reducing fat and reversing obesity. I don’t buy it. When I eat in the daylight, I can see that I haven’t cleaned my plate yet.

Scientists on Rat Island in Alaska say their $3 million eradication program appears to have rid the island of rats for the first time since the late 1700s. Former governor Sarah Palin is waiting for an estimate from the scientists on how much it would cost to rid Alaska of reporters, liberals and Levi Johnston.

President Obama nominated Ben Bernanke to a second term as Federal Reserve Chairman. Obama credits Bernanke with saving the U.S. economy, not to mention helping him explain to his daughters why they’re not getting an allowance this year.