Thursday, March 19, 2009

Arnold had the better tan

California prison officials released a new photo of Charles Manson showing that the famous mass murderer is going bald and his forehead swastika is fading. He’s starting to look less like a crazy killer and more like a crazy old man who fell asleep face down while reading “Mein Kampf.”

Former President George Bush's memoir about how he made major decisions is tentatively titled “Decision Points.” That wasn’t his first choice for a title, but O.J. Simpson already used “If I Did It.”

Did you see Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger with President Obama in California? It looked like Obama had the better message but Arnold had the better tan.

President Obama has signed a contract and received a $500,000 advance for a book about his presidential years that he doesn’t have to deliver until he leaves office. Being a basketball fan, he’s hoping he can call the book “The Elite Eight” and not “The Final Four.”

A group of NFL players appealed to Congress to support the FIT Kids Act which would promote physical education in schools. To show the kids what happens if they eat junk food and don’t work out, the group included players from the Detroit Lions.

The New Jersey Cosmetology and Hairstyling Board wants to ban ‘Brazilian’ bikini waxing after two women reported getting infections from them. True Brazilian waxing experts blame the infections on non-Brazilians who don’t know how to deal with Amazon jungles.

A Red Angus cow gave birth to rare triplet bull calves at Washington State University's College of Veterinary Medicine. I guess that makes her an Ox-o-Mom.

Microsoft is offering a $250,000 reward for information leading to the capture of the creator of the Conficker computer virus that is expected to send instructions to infected computers on April 1. If that’s not enough, Bill Gates will throw in the iPhones he confiscated from his wife and kids.

Former evangelical pastor Ted Haggard and his wife will appear on “Divorce Court” to talk about their marriage after Haggard was linked to a male prostitute. The title of the episode is Not-So-Better-Off Ted.

Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden has released his second audio tape in less than a week. Middle East experts believe bin Laden is getting some extra work done before he moves to a sunnier cave for a week for Spring Break.

Dictionary publisher Merriam-Webster has caused a controversy by changing the definition of "marriage" in its latest edition to include same-sex unions. This has created a dilemma for people who want to boycott buying Merriam-Webster dictionaries but need the books to look up names to call the company.

The owner of New York’s Nino’s 208 Italian restaurant is offering free meals to victims of Bernard Madoff’s Ponzi scheme. If you really hate Bernie, order the pie with his face outlined in pepperoni and slice it up yourself.

IBM is attempting to acquire Sun Microsystems, which would require incorporating Sun’s Silicon Valley attitude into IBM’s New York corporate culture. Anticipating the inevitable, Sun executives have already begun shopping for black wing-tipped sandals.

The head of Kellogg Co., the world's largest cereal maker, asked Congress to revamp the government food safety system after his company lost $70 million in the recent salmonella outbreak. When asked what his profits look like because of the recalls, the Kellogg’s CEO said, “They’re grrrrrrross!”

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