Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Stop sullying the good name of Sully

The office of Senator Roland Burris claims he’s being subjected to an effort to “sully his good name.” In response, heroic pilot Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger asked Burris to stop sullying the good name of Sully.

The New Zealand city of Christchurch is broadcasting the music of Barry Manilow in its central mall district in an attempt to drive out troublemaking teenagers. Be careful what you wish for. Troublemaking teenagers may be less annoying than teenagers who can’t stop singing “Mandy.”

According to a study in the journal Thorax, children who watch television for more than two hours a day have twice the risk of developing asthma. Before rushing your kid to the doctor, make sure he’s not wheezing from accidentally tuning in to a porn channel.

Researchers in Canada have discovered that children who are impulsive in kindergarten are more likely to begin gambling behaviors like playing cards or placing bets before they reach middle school. Kindergarten teachers are instructed to watch for any kids who think the number after 10 is “Jack.”

Paleontologists digging in Oklahoma and Kansas have discovered a 300-million-year-old fossilized brain belonging to a fish that may be the world’s oldest. Up until now, the world’s oldest fossilized brain belonged to a senator from Arizona.

A Nebraska man was arrested for trying to cool off his hyper cat by stuffing her into a boxlike homemade bong and smoking marijuana. The cat is OK after spending time in the bong, except that it now mysteriously loves to swim.

President Barack Obama visited the Transportation Department to announce that highway construction jobs will start soon and that “we are seeing shovels hit the ground.” Then he went back to Congress where he saw shovels hit the manure.

Michael Vick's 20,000-square-foot eight-bedroom mansion is going on the auction block to settle his bankruptcy case. The auction house says the carpets have been thoroughly cleaned and no longer smell like dogs or Vick.

President Obama says he sent a letter to Moscow offering to cancel an Eastern European missile defense system in return for Russia helping to resolve Iran’s nuclear program, but Russian leaders claim they didn’t get it. Here’s my question. Why did Obama fight so hard to keep his Blackberry if he’s not going to use it?

Officials at California's El Dorado County jail said 36 prisoners have successfully completed inmate cooking classes. Another 36 were kicked out for trying to bake biscottis in the shape of shivs.

Researchers at Microsoft have unveiled Laura, a virtual personal assistant designed to detect impatience and other feelings. The artificial intelligence program was supposed to be done two years ago but Laura kept shutting down when she detected that the programmers felt overworked and underpaid.

A group called the Canadian Driving Research Initiative for Vehicular Safety in the Elderly says older drivers should be allowed to keep their licenses because most of them are safe drivers. One sign that it’s time for Grandpa to retire from driving is when he deploys the airbag just to take a nap.

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