Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Paper or Plastic?

Former President George W. Bush says he plans to write a book about the 12 toughest decisions he made in office. He’s already finished the first chapter, “Paper or Plastic?”

AIG CEO Edward Liddy says the “cold realities of competition” compelled the company to pay $165 million in bonuses. If he thinks realities are cold now, wait until he finds out that AIG isn’t getting any more bailouts until hell is frozen.

A Massachusetts state trooper found 20 grams of crack cocaine inside a sack of dog food in the back seat of a car he pulled over. He decided to check the bag after noticing the dog had chewed a steak bone into the shape of a pipe.

Time Inc. is experimenting with a customized magazine that allows readers to select sections from eight magazines published by the company. The first issue is expected to be full of Letters to the Editor demanding that Time buys Playboy.

A new study found that a so-call “smart drug” popular with college students may be addictive. The problem came to light when a large number of pharmacies in college towns were robbed during the Game Show Network’s recent 48-hour Jeopardy marathon.

Paparazzi were swarming the new California home of Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman when she brought home the first two of her eight babies. She won’t make that mistake again. Next time she’ll just bring home just one baby so she has the other hand free to wave.

While on his trip to California, President Obama visited an electric car plant. This is the first time a president has looked at large-scale batteries since Bush helped Cheney pick out a new on for his defibrillator.

Comedienne and talk show host Ellen DeGeneres will have the title role in the movie “Mother Nature.” She took the role after learning that some cultures believe Mother Nature causes thunder by dancing.

Colorado is considering repealing a 19th-century ban on the collection of rainwater by private citizens. Apparently Colorado prisons are becoming overcrowded with people convicted of puddle possession.

Maryland is moving towards becoming the ninth state to prohibit people from sending text messages while driving. The other 41 states still prefer to have natural selection kill off these idiots.

Pope Benedict XVI says he wants to see priests dressed more like priests, wearing black outfits with clerical collars or ankle-length cassocks. Altar boys asked the pope to also recommend cowbells.

An Italian porn star made an appearance at the Milan stock exchange in her underwear to protest financiers who are “stripping Italians of everything but their underwear.” A porn star tried a similar protest at the New York Stock Exchange, but authorities removed her before she could demonstrate how Wall Street is sticking it to us.

A recent survey found that 18 percent of U.S. office workers have participated in March Madness college basketball pools at their jobs. The other 82 percent are participating in the new and more lucrative Dancing With The Stars pool.

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