Thursday, March 12, 2009

More singers in silly hats

It’s official -- Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin, the daughter of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, have broken off their engagement less than three months after having a baby. It’s the usual irreconcilable differences … he wanted to hang out with his friends and she wanted her mother to hang him.

China’s Foreign Minister Yang Jiechi had a meeting at the White House with President Obama. Unlike similar meetings during the Bush administration, the Foreign Minister didn’t have to bring along an autographed basketball from Yao Ming.

A survey of leading economists gave President Barack Obama and Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner failing grades for their efforts to revive the U.S. economy. This is like Rush Limbaugh giving failing grades to his marriage counselor and Narcotics Anonymous sponsor.

Hawaii's lieutenant governor says a “Saturday Night Live” sketch about locals who hate visitors may hurt the state’s tourism industry. He’d be more believable if he wasn‘t also calling for a ban on hula hoops.

NASA has started beaming live video from just outside the International Space Station, but the online feeds are available only when the crew is asleep or off duty. Lind of like C-SPAN.

NASA scientists have successfully commanded the Mars Odyssey spacecraft to reboot its computer. The Odyssey refused to do it until the scientists promised that Control-ALT-Delete would not wipe out its collection of Martian porn.

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at then-President George W. Bush was convicted of assaulting a foreign leader and sentenced to three years in prison. If you think that’s bad, the shoes got five years on the feet of a guy with smelly socks.

After pleading guilty to 11 charges, Bernard Madoff was taken to prison where he’ll stay until he’s sentenced on June 16. Some things never change. The first thing he did when he got there was carve a bar of soap into a pyramid.

On the latest Forbes annual list of the world's richest people, Bill Gates moved back to the number one spot even though he lost $18 billion in 2008. You know things are bad when Forbes had to ask Gates to pay for his own “World’s Richest Man” coffee mug.

NASA scientists report that two recent U.S. space missions have produced discoveries concerning salmonella bacteria. And now you know the real reason why the space station needed a new toilet.

The new wave band Devo announced on its Web site that it is working on its first full-length album since 1990. After seeing Aretha Franklin at the inauguration, Devo decided the country is ready for more singers in silly hats.

The New York Yankees announced that the new Yankee Stadium will become the first Major League Baseball facility to be treated using the Sports Antimicrobial System. Only the team areas will be treated after vendors protested that the antibacterial spray could cause hotdogs to disappear.

Standard & Poor’s has dropped General Electric’s top credit rating from AAA to AA+. Standard & Poor’s analysts may change their minds once they get tired of working by candlelight.

The London-based Willis Group Holdings insurance broker is moving its operations to the Sears Tower and the building will be renamed Willis Tower. Or, as shocked Chicagoans call it, the “Whatchu talkin’ about?” Tower.

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