Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Born To Have Tantrums

Stephen Colbert is asking fans to write in his name in NASA's online public vote to name a new room to be added to the international space station. Colbert’s former boss on Comedy Central thought about doing the same thing, but NASA informed him the space station already has a john.

North Carolina's two U.S. senators are proposing tougher restrictions on cigarette advertising and labeling in an attempt to convince Congress not to pass a bill that could be even harder on the state's tobacco industry. These senators know not to mess with their state’s tobacco industry because it has half the ingredients for tar-and-feathering.

The Labor Department reports that California, South Carolina, Michigan and Rhode Island registered unemployment rates above 10 percent in January. Unfortunately for Michigan, none of the people laid off played for the Lions.

Apple unveiled a smaller version of the iPod shuffle with a new feature that speaks the names of artists and songs. If Apple made one that also announced the names and songs of contestants on “American Idol,” we could get rid of Ryan Seacrest for good.

Employees at a Philadelphia pet shop opened a crate that was supposed to contain tropical fish and found a corpse instead. Apparently it was the work of a hard-of-hearing hit man who thought his boss said the guy should “Sleep at the fish store.”

Police in New Mexico found 1,200 pounds of pot packed in cans whose labels said they contained spinach. The cops got suspicious when they noticed that the shipment was going to someone named Redeye the Sailor Man.

Concert promoters have increased the number of shows Michael Jackson will perform in London from 10 to 25 after advance tickets sold out within hours of going on sale. The British can relate to performers who carry umbrellas, have funny walks and look like they haven’t been in the sun since the 80s.

NASA scientists are claiming that droplets seen on the Phoenix Mars lander shortly after it landed are evidence of liquid water on the planet. This would also explain why the Phoenix kept requesting a second lander to bring it some windshield wipers.

The FDA has a approved a new less expensive female condom that the manufacturer hopes will be cheap enough to get women to try it. Unfortunately, market research shows that for women to use a female condom, it has to be free or come with a list of guys who won’t object to it.

An Iraqi court has sentenced Saddam Hussein's cousin Chemical Ali to 15 years in prison. His lawyer is trying to convince the judge not to send him to a new prison downwind from a sulfur plant.

An American Airlines plane made an emergency landing at New York’s Kennedy Airport minutes after taking off from LaGuardia. The pilot had a hard time hearing the control tower over the screams of passengers begging him to land in the Hudson.

Museum officials opened Abraham Lincoln's pocket watch and found a message put there by the watchmaker that read, “The first gun is fired. Slavery is dead. Thank God we have a President who at least will try.” In a related story, President Obama opened up a watch that seemed to be running backwards and found a message that read, “Rush is right!”

Artists at a tattoo studio in Miami have created a line of infant clothing with images of fire-breathing dragons, tigers and other popular tattoos. They hope this will satisfy toddlers coming to the store and demanding tattoos that read, “Born To Have Tantrums.”

According to a new study, the older a father is, the lower the IQ of his children will be. This was good news for former president George W. Bush who now blames his IQ on the fact that his dad was an old man while he was in office.

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