Tuesday, March 17, 2009

The Recessionosaurus

President Obama told Congress to pass his $3.6 trillion budget because it will “spark the transformation” the country needs to remain economically competitive. How about a spark to light a blowtorch to burn down AIG?

President Obama picked Pittsburgh Steelers owner Dan Rooney to be U.S. ambassador to Ireland. Rooney got the job over another NFL owner who offered to change the name of his team to the Green Beer Packers.

Retired porn star Jenna Jameson and mixed martial arts fighter Tito Ortiz are the proud parents of twin boys. The twins are lucky … when they find out what their mom did for a living, they’ll each have someone to go to therapy with.

Retired porn star Jenna Jameson and mixed martial arts fighter Tito Ortiz are the proud parents of twin boys. It’s a good thing babies are born with their eyes closed … they didn’t see all the names written on mom’s birth canal walls.

Border agents in Brownsville, Texas, arrested a man trying to smuggle his wife into the U.S. inside a speaker box. The agents got suspicious when they tried to play a Jonas Brothers CD on the car stereo and the speaker sang “La Bamba.”

Singer Amy Winehouse pleaded not guilty to assaulting a fan at a party last year in London. Amy plans to show the jury a tattoo she got of the party which shows her nowhere near the alleged victim.

A judge tossed out a lawsuit accusing the makers of “The Family Guy” of illegally doing a parody that turned the song “When You Wish Upon a Star” into an anti-Semitic ballad. The makers of “The Family Guy” now face a class action suit filed by millions of viewers who still can’t get the song out of their heads.

Canadian researchers have discovered North America's smallest known dinosaur, a tiny predator half the size of a house cat and related to the Velociraptor. The mini dinosaur was a meat eater that survived primarily on feet and ankles.

Scientists studying the fossils of a giant Jurassic-era sea monster found in the Arctic say it had a bite four times as powerful as a T-Rex and could crush a Hummer. Based on that, they’ve decided to name it the Recessionosaurus.

While in Africa, Pope Benedict XVI said that condoms are not the answer in the fight against HIV. However, he did say that condoms are the answer to the question, “What should Catholics use to cover their fingers when the church roof leaks?”

Iowa Republican Senator Charles Grassley said in an interview that AIG executives should do like disgraced Japanese executives do and kill themselves. He retracted the comment when he found out that’s also what disgraced Japanese senators do.

Sara Jane Olson, the 1970s radical who spent 25 years as a fugitive, was released from a California prison after serving seven years for crimes she committed as a member of the Symbionese Liberation Army. Sarah Palin is preparing a speech on Olson called “Six Degrees of Barack Obama.”

According to a study in the journal BMC Neuroscience, when musicians play together their brain waves become synchronized. Now you know the real reason the Stones keep touring … to prove Keith Richards still has brain waves.

According to a new study, older people with multiple hospital admissions for heart failure receive little benefit from implanted defibrillators. Dick Cheney says this doesn’t prove the rumors that he’s actually a cyborg.

Word out of Buckingham Palace is that a carpet Queen Elizabeth II commissioned for $351,000 was ruined by spilled tea only two days after it was installed. In a related story, Prince Charles has canceled public appearances while he has a teaspoon removed from his nose.

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