Friday, March 27, 2009

He could be President Obama’s new B.F.F.

President Obama met with a group of bank CEOs at the White House to discuss his plan to stabilize the financial system. There were so many pinstripes in the Oval Office, Joe Biden came by hoping to get Derek Jeter’s autograph.

Brazilian President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva blames the global financial collapse on “white and blue-eyed” financiers. If he feels the same way about wars and politicians, he could be President Obama’s new B.F.F.

Although she doesn’t have birth records to prove it, a woman in Kazakhstan claims she’s 130 years old, which makes her 12 years older than the current official world’s oldest person. Experts are a little suspicious because she attributes her advanced age to cottage cheese, no sweets and lying.

Forty judges in Britain's High Court say they want to ditch their new robes because they look too much like a “Star Trek” outfit. It’s so distracting, a couple of judges found themselves replacing their “Order in the court!” with “Fire photon torpedoes!”

Health officials in Oklahoma are blaming group sex parties for a recent outbreak of syphilis. On the bright side, they’re also the cause of a recent outbreak of Oklahoma tourism.

Former “Eight is Enough” and “Charles in Charge” actor Willie Aames held a garage sale at his suburban Kansas City home to help pay off debts. Poor guy couldn’t even get on “Dancing With The Stars” even though he still has two good knees.

President Obama says he’s sending more troops to Afghanistan to “disrupt, dismantle and defeat” al-Qaida. His teleprompter must be stuck. That’s the same thing he said when he announced his March Madness picks.

President Obama appeared ins a prerecorded message during the told the Premio Lo Nuestro” Latin music awards show on the Univision Spanish-language TV network. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal then gave the Republican response at the Tennessee Yodeling Awards ceremony.

A prison inmate in Washington forced an evacuation when the toilet sausage he was making sent smoke through the prison sewer system. A lot of the inmates were confused about the evacuation announcement since “Smoking toilet sausage” is also a popular prison pickup line.

Britain's annual competition for the oddest book title was won by “The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-milligram Containers of Fromage Frais.” Oprah has picked it for both her book club and her next fondue party.

Electric car company Tesla Motors unveiled its new Model S sedan that will get 300 miles per charge and sell for $49,900 after a government tax credit. Tesla is the Arabic word for “Please bring back $4 a gallon gas.”

The journal Science reports that a new sensor allows researchers and conservationists to watch the movement of large groups of fish up to 25 miles across. Once a school of fish reaches that size, it’s classified as a Big Ten school.

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