Nothing says the party’s over like mud in your bong

A Baptist pastor in Tuscon, Arizona, has created a Web site that claims "God wants you to have great sex." And suddenly, Cindy McCain begins to wonder why the evangelicals wanted her husband to pick Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin was the second person to know that John McCain had selected her as his running mate. First was the manager of the band Heart who was asked if he minded if McCain borrowed the song “Barracuda.”

The Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company reports that an Australian study found that chewing gum can reduce stress and anxiety. Unfortunately, your stress and anxiety goes back up the moment you realize you stepped on the gum you were just chewing.

The Environmental Protection Agency says that tire manufacturers and retailers have agreed to phase-out the use of lead wheel weights. The tire companies will be allowed to keep dead weights, which means the Michelin Man still has a job.

A recent survey found that nearly 30 percent of U.S. men think sex is better after their football team wins and 10 percent say they have bad sex after a loss. That could explain why overworked maternity ward employees in Indianapolis are hoping Peyton Manning’s knee injury is serious.

President Bush says there are signs that “our economy is beginning to improve.” Too bad most Americans believe the economy is beyond signs and needs a GPS system.

Sean “Diddy” Combs says he now flies on commercial airlines instead of in private jets because of the high cost of jet fuel. Flying commercial isn’t that much cheaper for Diddy because he has to pay extra to check all of his bling bags.

In a phone interview on his recent 50th birthday, Michael Jackson said of his career that “the best is yet to come.” That either means he’s going back to the recording studio or he’s finally found a nose he likes.

General Motors announced it will offer optional radios with USB ports for personal music players on some of its 2009 models. And to show how in tune GM is with modern drivers, in 2010 the radios will be able to pick up that new-fangled FM signal.

A dust storm in the northern Nevada desert caused some of the attendees at the Burning Man festival to leave early. Nothing says the party’s over like mud in your bong.

A local official in Australia claims he has proof the London killer known as Jack the Ripper is buried in Brisbane. More people would believe him if he didn’t also claim the guy in the grave was the first to say, “That’s not a knife … THIS Is a knife.”

Thousands of Harley-Davidson riders rolled through Milwaukee over the weekend celebrating the 105th anniversary of the classic American motorcycle. Residents say they haven’t seen that many people with potbellies and tattoos since the last Britney Spears look-alike contest.

Experts say a dead two-foot shark a Michigan man claims he found attached to a large fishing bobber in Lake Michigan is probably a hoax. They got suspicious when one pushed what looked like a button on the shark’s nose and it began singing “Mack the Knife.”

An aide at a branch library in Chandler, Arizona, revealed that the most popular bookmarks she discovers inside returned items are bits of toilet paper. As opposed to the White House where bits of books are found inside rolls of toilet paper.

A sexually ‘disoriented’ business

A woman sued Adams Township, Pennsylvania, for refusing to allow her to open a dance studio that featured pole-dancing exercise classes on the grounds it was a sexually oriented business. Female clients are defending her, saying that a few spins around the pole make it more of a sexually ‘disoriented’ business.

On October 1, Comcast Corporation, the nation's second-largest Internet service provider, will begin limiting customers to 250 gigabytes of traffic per month. This won’t cause much of a stir until Comcast translates it into a figure users can understand, like 1,000 porn videos per month.

In Brazil, an 18-month-old boy was treated for minor fractures after his disposable diaper caught on a security spike and slowed down his 30-foot fall out of an apartment window. The boy was kept in the hospital for observation, but his doctor allowed his mom in for a minute to give his Huggie a huggie.

David Duchovny, star of the Showtime series “Californication,” has entered a rehabilitation facility for sex addiction. His wife called for an intervention after he refused to stop watching “The XXX Files: I Want To Be Licked.”

According to a report in the journal Current Biology, researchers have found that the brains of flies are specially wired to avoid getting hit by a swatter. The best thing to use is a rolled-up journal with an article on swatters that momentarily distracts the fly.

Officials say over 84,000 people heard Barack Obama's acceptance speech at Invesco Field at Mile High Stadium in Denver. The only way to get that many Republicans to fill a football stadium is to have a halftime show featuring an investment seminar by Merrill Lynch.

John McCain surprised everybody by picking 44-year-old Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. I don’t know about Republican voters, but this could be just the thing to shock Bill Clinton back into the McCain camp.

Will Hillary Clinton’s supporters switch to John McCain now that he’s chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate? That depends on how she looks in a down-filled pantsuit.

A survey by a British recruitment firm found that 40 percent of British office workers have had a romantic relationship with a co-worker. That number is much higher at British firms that have a company dental plan.

A Kentucky college student has sued an anonymous poster on a newspaper forum who said she had exposed herself to a woman and children at a mall by wearing a miniskirt that was too short. The forum now shows that the student has the support of thousands of anonymous husbands who saw her while waiting for their wives to finish shopping.

A Canadian company called McCain Foods is using the presidential campaign of John McCain -- no relation to the company -- in U.S. ads for its frozen potato products. The real McCain is thinking about sending Karl Rove to Canada to convince McCain Foods to change the product name to “frozen freedom fries.”

A woman in Lincoln, England, says her wedding, which is scheduled for next week, may be postponed after she swallowed a nail that was inside her macaroni dish. It’s her own fault. The possibility of nail consumption is why the commercial goes, “Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O’s.”

196 flights is one cross-country trip

FBI agents arrested a blogger suspected of streaming songs from the unreleased Guns N' Roses album “Chinese Democracy” on his Web site. Now that the Olympics are over, he also received a cease-and-desist order from the Chinese communist government.

A judge in Texas ordered the father of actress and singer Hilary Duff to spend 10 days in jail for contempt of court. Ina related story, Britney Spears’ kids asked their nanny how far away is Texas.

An estimated 40,000 people threw 113 tons of ripe tomatoes in the annual tomato fight in the village of Bunol, Spain. near Valencia. Food experts call it the biggest waste of tomatoes since the invention of microwave pizza.

The Vatican is warning journalists traveling with Pope Benedict to Lourdes next month not to put bottles of holy water in their carry-on bags because it may be confiscated by airport security. They also warned not to try and avoid a drink fee by asking the pope to change free bottled water into wine.

Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps will host the 34th season premiere of “Saturday Night Live.” For sketches about the Olympics, Michael has already requested that the resident cast fat guy play Amanda Beard.

A new poll found that Americans believe Barack Obama would make a caring president while John McCain would be a decisive one. And in the poll that really matters, Americans believe that Michelle Obama would win at arm wrestling but Cindy McCain would win at mud wrestling.

The priest in Italy who was organizing a beauty pageant for nuns had to cancel it after local Catholic leaders objected to the idea. They wouldn’t change their minds even when he promised to use holy water for the ‘wet habit’ competition.

After getting complaints about a man taking coins from a fountain in front of City Hall, the New York Police Department said it can’t stop him because it’s not against the law. The man stopped on his own after being shoved out of the way by brokers from Lehman Brothers.

Southwest Airlines, the most profitable U.S. air carrier, announced it will drop more than 196 daily flights on January 11. Big deal. For Southwest, 196 flights is one cross-country trip.

According to a report in the journal Chemistry of Materials, U.S. and Japanese scientists say they've created ceramic dishware that will keep food heated by a microwave oven hotter for longer periods of time. It must work because the scientists were interviews while dipping their hands in tubs of butter.

The Dalai Lama is doing OK after being admitted to a hospital in India with “abdominal discomfort.” This happens every time he forgets his traditional wooden bowl and has to eat off of a china plate.

Olympic rowers holding ice picks

According to scientists at the National Snow and Ice Data Center, the Arctic Ocean sea ice has melted to the second lowest minimum since satellite observations began. It’s so low, Russia is replacing its huge ice-breaking trawlers with Olympic rowers holding ice picks.

A new study found that, contrary to popular belief, eating seeds, nuts, corn and popcorn does not cause the bowel disease diverticulosis. There goes the last remaining buyers for small bags of popcorn at movie theaters.

“Desperate Housewives” actress Nicollette Sheridan and singer Michael Bolton have ended their engagement. After Michael spent a few weeks living with her while rehearsing for a new CD, Nicollette realized that married life would be like living in an elevator.

Scientists in Israel are taking digital photographs of the Dead Sea Scrolls so that the 2,000-year-old documents can be made available to the public on the Internet. Luckily for John McCain, they won’t be ready in time for Barack Obama to use them to prove he’s the chosen one.

The Mars rover Opportunity is finally driving out of a giant crater nearly a year after it descended into it to study the rocks there. That’s how long it took NASA to convince the Bush administration to charge the rover with solar power instead of drilling the Mars surface for oil.

The city of Akron, Ohio, is considering a plan nicknamed “stools for schools” where it would lease the city-owned sewage system to a private contractor for $200 million and use the money for college scholarships. Proving once again that “what goes around, comes around,” most of the sewage in Akron’s system comes from high school cafeterias.

The commuter rail division of Chicago's Regional Transportation Authority is taking its bar cars out of service because they’re no longer profitable. This could be bad news for a number of regulars who will sober up and find out they haven’t had jobs in years.

A farmer in Alaska claims that his potentially record-setting 6-foot-wide giant cabbage exploded just four days before the official weigh-in at the Alaska State Fair. The good news is, he now holds the record for the world’s largest bowl of cole slaw.

A Missouri county sheriff says his policy of hanging "wanted" posters above urinals in the department's building has led to 10 arrests so far. You can tell someone has recognized a face on the wanted poster by the sound of squishy shoes.

A Mexican business owner's association is trying to stop the sale of a beer named after a legendary outlaw known as the "patron saint" of drug traffickers. And every night, American brewers drop to their knees and pray that there’s never a serial killer named Bud Miller.

Actress and Jenny Craig spokeswoman Valerie Bertinelli is set to star in a pilot for a new, as-yet-untitled comedy series on TBS. The only thing the network would confirm is that it’s not a show based on her weight loss called “Two-and-a-Half Dress Sizes.”

A Republican organization in Washington state issued an apology for offering $3 bills at a county fair booth showing Barack Obama in Muslim garb. The group also refused to acknowledge that Obama would be good for the economy even though the $3 bills are now worth 20 bucks.

Flinging poo at re-gifters

While campaigning for reelection, Alaska’s Senator Ted Stevens accused the Justice Department of trying to smear his character. Stevens got an immediate response from the publishers of Webster’s Dictionary ordering him to stop smearing the character of the word “character.”

Sean Connery returned to his hometown of Edinburgh, Scotland, to launch the release of his autobiography, “Being a Scot.” He doesn’t address accusations of abuse by his ex-wife because e he didn’t want it to be called “Beating a Scot.”

Ace Young is the latest American Idol alumnus to join the Broadway cast of “Grease.” When it comes to American Idol singers, those that can … do. Those that can’t … Grease.

Over the weekend, a sheriff's deputy pulled a gun on members of Diddy's entourage during a routine traffic stop of Diddy’s seven-car convoy. The deputy felt sorry for them and let them go after Diddy showed them his gasoline bill.

German researchers have discovered that grazing cattle and sleeping deer tend to align their bodies along the North-South axis of the Earth's magnetic field, giving new meaning to the phrase “animal magnetism.” It also gives cow-tippers a new excuse that they were just trying to find their way home.

According to a new study, monkeys can experience the joy of giving in much the same way as humans do. The only difference is, monkeys can also experience the joy of flinging poo at re-gifters.

Jon Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen will play acoustic songs before and after Barack Obama's acceptance speech at the convention. John McCain was planning similar musical bookends for his own acceptance speech, but found out Lawrence Welk and Mitch Miller don’t do acoustic songs.

The buzz in Hollywood is that Cher is in talks to play the supervillain Catwoman in the next Batman movie. She won’t take the part until it’s rewritten so that Catwoman has a sidekick played by Bob Mackie.

Collins Dictionaries of Britain said its researchers have estimated that the most commonly misspelled word in the English language is “supersede.” That explains why it’s the number-one cause of spell-checker-induced computer failures.

England's Bristol Zoo has given a pair of gibbons a curfew because their mating sounds are disturbing the zoo’s neighbors, including an elementary school. The kids don’t mind but the principal is tired of having to use the garden hose in the teacher’s lounge.

A man in Scarborough, Ontario, claims an image of the Virgin Mary has appeared in the bark of a tree outside his home. The tree is now full of squirrels praying for bigger nuts.

According to a survey published in the Journal of Women's Health, one-third of women of reproductive age borrow and share medications. The other two-thirds have figured out how to open medicine cabinets quietly.

People were looking up Sally Fields’ habit

Former Republican presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Rudy Giuliani will be in Denver during the Democratic convention. Giuliani hopes to draw attention away from the Democratic convention by attempting to eat 911 Rocky Mountain oysters.

The lineup for the next edition of “Dancing With the Stars” includes Olympic beach volleyball gold medalist Misty May-Treanor, former NFL star Warren Sapp, and 82-year-old Cloris Leachman. The theme of the first dance they do will be “The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.”

Paul McCartney is set to perform in Israel, 40 years after the Beatles were banned from playing in the Holy Land because of fears their lyrics could corrupt Israeli youth. How times have changed. The big concern now is that a young Israeli woman will corrupt Paul McCartney.

The action comedy “Tropic Thunder” topped the box office for the second straight weekend. A lot of tickets were bought by McCain campaign staffers trying to come up with a new popular foreign policy.

In Italy, a priest is organizing an online beauty pageant for nuns called “Miss Sister 2008” to give them more visibility within the Catholic Church and to fight the stereotype that they are all old and mean. He got the idea watching reruns of the old sitcom “The Flying Nun” and noticing how many people were looking up Sally Fields’ habit.

President Bush is sending Vice President Dick Cheney to Georgia in response to the conflict between that country and Russia. Cheney won’t be visiting Russia but he sent an open invitation to Vladimir Putin to meet him at a neutral site for some friendly quail shooting.

Researchers at Georgia Tech have developed a magnetic tongue-powered system that turns a person’s mouth into a virtual computer, teeth into a keyboard and tongue into finger that controls it all. The device should be popular with disabled people, not to mention guys who want to keep both hands free when downloading porn.

The makers of a Indian movie called “Hari Puttar: A Comedy of Terrors” are being sued by Warner Brothers even though they claim their film has nothing to do with “Harry Potter.” If you think Warner Brothers is mad now, wait until they hear about “Harold and Fumar Go To Hogwarts.”

Chinese Olympic officials now blame the confusion over the ages of some of its female gymnasts on “bad paperwork.” Coincidentally, that’s the same excuse they gave for the long line outside the women’s restrooms at the Bird’s Nest.

To boost sagging ratings, “American Idol” is adding a fourth judge: Grammy-nominated songwriter Kara DioGuardi. The producers had hoped to find a judge to match wits with Paula Abdul, but Barney was unavailable.

China deported a British woman, a German man and eight Americans who took part in a protest during the Olympic Games. They were the only ten people in the Bird’s Nest brave enough to stand up and say, “That thing covered with people doesn’t look anything like an Olympic torch.”

It was McCain's monthly delivery of Gold Bond

Customers in China of Apple's iTunes online music store were unable to download songs this week, possibly because Beijing was trying to block access to a new Tibet-themed album. Kind of a tit-for-tat thing … the Chinese government claims some of the artists were under 14.

Scientists say that global warming is the cause of a giant crack in the ice in northern Greenland and an 11-square-mile chunk of ice that broke off of a glacier. Things are getting so warm in Greenland, its Olympic water polo team was once its ice hockey team.

Sheriffs in Bay County, Florida, were forced to use a Taser to subdue an escaped emu. They knew they had tasered the emu enough when it started to smell like chicken.

Two of John McCain's presidential campaign offices were evacuated after a threatening letter arrived in the mail containing an unidentified white powder. McCain didn’t want to call the cops at first because he thought it was his monthly delivery of Gold Bond.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and Polish Foreign Minister Radoslaw Sikorski celebrated the signing of a missile shield deal with wine from the ex-Soviet republic of Georgia. They offered her Polish vodka but the last time Condi drank Polish vodka she hit on Lech Walesa.

A fisherman in North Carolina caught a state record 21-pound channel catfish on a Barbie rod and reel his granddaughter asked him to hold for her while she went to the bathroom. That’s the biggest fish reeled in by a Barbie pole since Ken fell for the limited-edition Stripper Barbie.

At the New Jersey Pest Management Association's annual clinic and trade show, a giant Madagascar hissing cockroach named John McCain outraced one named Barack Obama. Just like the candidate it was named after, the McCain roach couldn’t remember how many roach motels he owned.

The Food and Drug Administration has approved the use of ionizing radiation to kill harmful bacteria on fresh spinach and lettuce. Cans of spinach will now come with a label explaining to kids that Popeye lost his eye in a sailing accident, not from eating irradiated spinach.

Oracle Corp. founder Larry Ellison is the top-paid chief executive in the United States, with a 2008 salary package of $84.6 million. Even so, John McCain said he’d have to see how many houses Ellison owned before determining if he would consider him rich.

Chicago police say the heart bypass surgery a local man underwent last year was charged to his friend after the patient stole his identity. They can’t recover the stolen goods, so prosecutors are hoping to convince the judge to sentence the thief to run on a treadmill until he has another heart attack.

Police in Hio, Sweden, say a man apparently received serious stab wounds while playing a game with another man that involved pressing potato peelers against each others stomachs. Luckily the emergency room bill was covered by his insurance company, Mutual of Idaho.