Flashing their juicy fruits

Rep. Michele Bachmann will be giving the Tea Party response to President Obama’s State of the Union address. Bachmann is the perfect choice since no one in the Tea Party is better at putting the “butt” in rebuttal.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas failed to report his wife's income of almost $700,000 from a conservative think tank for at least five years. Thomas didn’t do it intentionally – he was just waiting to see what Justice Antonin Scalia put on his tax form first.

Military experts say China’s new stealth fighter jet may have been made using parts and technology from an American F-117 Nighthawk that was shot down over Serbia in 1999. That explains why much of the plane appears to be held together with stealth duct tape.

In Munich, Germany, a dentist bought low-cut dresses for herself and her nurses to distract patients while she drills their teeth. It works great, but now she has to invest in heavy-duty drool-suckers.

Republican House majority leader Eric Cantor says he believes President Obama is a citizen. He won’t say this during the president’s State of the Union address because he doesn’t want Joe Miller to yell “You lie!”

A man in Germany won a brand new Mini Cooper after having the car’s logo tattooed on his manhood. Now his girlfriend has two reasons for nicknaming his manhood “Mini Cooper.”

After 233 days in a locked steel capsule in Moscow, six researchers on a 520-day simulated flight to Mars are getting ready for their fake landing on the Red Planet. This project is so low-budget, the fake landing will be created by the six guys jumping up and down simultaneously.

Republican George Allen will try to reclaim the Senate seat from Virginia he lost five years ago after using the racial slur “macaca.” Allen has learned his lesson and will switch to the expression “You know what I’m talkin’ about.”

The Wrigley Company has pulled its ads from MTV's controversial teen drama “Skins.” Apparently Wrigley had a different idea in mind when the show’s producers said they’d show teenagers flashing their juicy fruits.

Palace insiders say Sarah Ferguson, the duchess of York and ex-wife of Prince Andrew, will receive an invitation to Prince William's marriage ceremony to Kate Middleton. Her royal invitation will be stamped “Not for resale.”