Jack Bauer – The Later Years

A councilman in Huntington Beach, California, wants police to post mug shots of anyone arrested more than once for driving while under the influence. If public humiliation of lawbreakers really worked, there’d be nothing to watch on C-SPAN.

Regis Philbin announced he is retiring from “Live! with Regis and Kelly” at the end of this season. He’s been on TV so long, his wife still slaps the side of his head to stop him from stuttering.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he hasn't made a decision yet on a heart transplant. He can’t decide on what flavor he wants: vanilla or light vanilla.

Dick Cheney says he offered to step aside as vice president multiple times. Usually when he and W. were playing that game where the vice president stands behind the president and says he’ll catch him when he falls backwards.

Sarah Palin says she used the term “blood libel” to refer to people who falsely accused her of having blood on her hands. Then she held up her note-less palms and said they were ink libel too.

A girl in Pennsylvania became an accidental YouTube star after she was caught on a security camera falling into a shopping center fountain while texting. She’s already gotten offers to appear on a new Pennsylvania reality show called Erie Shore.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban announced their second daughter was born last month via surrogate in Nashville. The baby arrived before Keith and Nicole could release their new song, “She’s Having Our Baby.”

University of California-Davis officials are investigating allegations that a professor polled his students on what grade to give a classmate. Not surprisingly, the votes of the football players in the class were divided evenly between “pass,” “run” and “kick.”

The FCC and the Justice Department approved the merger of Comcast, the nation's largest cable and residential Internet provider, with NBC-Universal. The new company will be called We Shall Over-Comcast.

A study of children in Singapore found those who play 20 hours of video games a week are more likely than others to be anxious or depressed. Especially when they point their game controllers out the window and the birds don’t hit any pigs.

The producers of “The Good Wife” asked former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to appear as himself on the show. Rumsfeld turned it down because he’s holding out for the lead in “Jack Bauer – The Later Years.”