Canterbury “tail”

Katheryn Bigelow is still celebrating the Oscar victories of her film, “The Hurt Locker.” She was spotted at a local convenience store poking holes in every bottle of blue Gatorade.

Turkey is recovering from a 6.0-magnitue earthquake. Pat Robertson says it’s God’s way of punishing Turkey for taking Jesus out of Thanksgiving.

Apple aired its first iPad commercial during the 2010 Oscars telecast. Based on what’s available on it so far, it’s already qualified to host the show next year.

Sarah Palin now admits she used to sneak across the border to get treatment from Canada's single-payer system. After the first few times she did it, her insurance refused to cover her injuries from constantly stabbing herself with a pen while dotting the ‘I’ on her hand notes.

North Korea's army leaders say they’re ready to “blow up” South Korea and the U.S for conducting military drills in South Korea. They’re just waiting for the order from Kim Jung Il, who’s busy blowing up his inflatable dates.

A high school English teacher in New Hampshire is in trouble for sexting naked pictures of herself to one of her male students. You could tell she’s an English teacher because she was holding a book by Chaucer over her Canterbury “tail.”

In her latest explanation for writing notes on her hand, Sarah Palin claims the Bible says that God did it first. That means the only thing God created before the pen was light so He could see what He was writing.

The Florida Highway Patrol says a two-vehicle crash in Cudjoe Key was caused by a motorist trying to shave her private parts while driving. She was arrested and take to the DMV – the Department of Mowing Vaginas.

Outgoing Democratic Representative Eric Massa of New York is so mad at White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel that he referred to him in an interview as “the son of the devil's spawn.” He’s already being recruited to write campaign literature for the Republican Party.

Republican State Senator Roy Ashburn of California, a fierce opponent of gay rights who was arrested last week for drunk driving after leaving a gay nightclub, now admits he’s gay. Just another Republican politician dancing at a gay nightclub in order to put more “hip” in “hypocrite.”