“official target” of the biathlon team.

Burt Reynolds is out of the hospital after undergoing five heart bypasses last week. Or as it’s called in Washington, the “full Cheney.”

Weight Watchers in New Zealand is allowing its logo to be placed on three McDonald's items - Chicken McNuggets, Filet-O-Fish and a chicken wrap. To add to the illusion that these are diet foods, clerks are instructed to ask, “Do you want smaller pants with that?”

The Swiss government has approved extra small condoms for boys as young as 12 who are actually having sex at that age. They found out many of the boys were improvising by using shower caps from their sisters’ Barbie dolls.

In a recent speech, General David Petraeus bragged that U.S. forces in Afghanistan have killed “boatloads of bad guys.” If that’s true, how come we never hear anything about the Taliban navy?

Nissan is recalling 540,000 cars due to wobbly brake pedals. It’s not a design problem. The pedals are getting wobbly from Nissan drivers stomping on them whenever they see a Toyota approaching.

The head of the Russian Olympic Committee has resigned after his country’s team had its worst performance ever at the Winter Olympics. It was resign or be demoted to “official target” of the biathlon team.

Republican Rep. Patrick McHenry of North Carolina wants the U.S Treasury to replace Ulysses S. Grant on the $50 bill with Ronald Reagan. If that’s not enough, he wants all riddle books to include the question, “Who’s buried in Reagan’s tomb?”

A religious group called The American Family Association wants Sea World to follow a passage from Exodus and have the killer whale that killed a trainer be put to death by stoning. If murderous whales is a biblical issue, shouldn’t they be putting the blame on Noah?

More than 78,000 people have signed an online pledge stating they will no longer use the words “retard” or “retarded.” The pledge forced the temporary shutdown of a factory making flame-retardant clothes.

Captain Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, who piloted a US Airways flight during its emergency water landing on the Hudson River last year, is retiring. He didn’t say how he plans to spend his retirement, but I’m guessing it won’t be bird watching.

Authorities in El Paso County, Texas, say an escaped emu died in police custody after going on a rampage on an interstate and attacking deputies. They believe the emu died from shock after seeing its wings covered in barbecue sauce.