Impersonating a Pinto

Conservatives in Texas are so upset with big government, they’re protesting by not filling out their census forms. This includes former president George W. Bush, who says he wants to keep the government out of his Secret Service protection.

President Barack Obama had to sneak in and out of Afghanistan just like George W. Bush used to sneak in and out of Iraq. All of a sudden, Bill Clinton sneaking in and out of the White House to visit his girlfriends doesn’t look so bad after all.

Republican Senator Lindsey Graham is calling the health care reform bill a Ponzi scheme. And if anybody knows Ponzi schemes, it’s the party that got rid of the regulations that allowed Bernie Madoff to run his for so long.

Archaeologists in Egypt have uncovered a 3,500-year-old door to the afterlife from the tomb of a high-ranking Egyptian official near Karnak temple in Luxor. They know it’s the door to the afterlife because it’s guarded by a statue that looks just like Pat Robertson.

The Republican National Committee is scrambling to explain why Chairman Michael Steele spent almost $2,000 at Voyeur West Hollywood, a bondage-themed nightclub featuring topless women dancers imitating lesbian sex. One dancer knew he was a Republican because he kept calling her “Killer Baby.”

Police in Germany say 67 sheep died when a pair of dogs chased them into the path of a freight train. A reporter who saw the sheep massacre cried out in his broadcast, “Oh, the ewe-manity!”

“24” may be cancelled but a movie version is in the works. The producers are doing it as a favor to Liz Cheney who says it’s the only thing her father has left to live for.

A state senator in New York has put up billboards telling young men to pull their pants up. Seems like the wrong place to display the message since guys with their pants on the ground are usually looking down so they don’t trip.

Illinois lawmakers voted to deny former Gov. Rod Blagojevich money for an official portrait in the Statehouse. It’s not because they don’t like Blagojevich. It’s because they’d have to raise the ceiling of the statehouse to make room for a painting big enough to show his hair.

Police in England arrested a man who created an anti-tailgating flame-throwing device for his scooter. He was charged with possessing an object converted into a firearm and impersonating a Pinto.