A Rol-rex

A senior center in California was evacuated after someone dropped off a box labeled “Bomb” that turned out to be filled with cabbages. The center was evacuated a second time after the cabbage stew was served and someone lit a match.

Police in Iowa charged a woman with assault for allegedly hitting her sister with a toilet tank lid during an argument. The sister had the wind knocked out of her after getting hit with the toilet lid, but she started breathing again after the cops jiggled her nose.

Parents in the Modesto, California, school distract are upset with a laid-off teacher who told her students that she’ll have to take up stripping. It really bothered some dads who wish they would have gone to a couple of parent-teacher meetings.

Maple syrup producers in central Massachusetts are being criticized for tapping maple trees in cemeteries. Apparently the producers were working on developing a stiffer syrup called Mrs. Deaderworth.

It appears that New York Times Co. CEO Janet Robinson got roughly $4.9 million in compensation in 2009. “All the news that’s fit to print” is run by a woman who takes all the cash that’s fit to pilfer.

After 30 years, the Army is revising basic training and dropping bayonet drills in favor of soldiers doing stomach exercises. In other words, our troops are preparing to find weapons of mass destruction with weapons of ab construction.

Wildlife officials in Michigan say the Wolverine State has lost its only known wild wolverine. To avoid the expense of changing mascots, the state and the University of Michigan has offered to pay Ben Vereen to move to Detroit and change his first name to Wolf.

A Swiss watchmaker is offering an $11,000 timepiece made from fossilized dinosaur dung. I think it’s called a Rol-rex.

Republican Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas says “demons” have invaded Washington and are forcing lawmakers to mislead the public about the content of the health care bill. So if you’re in Washington and you see a devil with a blue dress on, it may not be a gay Republican.

Tiger Woods released a statement saying he will play in the Masters this year. He also said he’d completed two months of inpatient therapy, then had to explain that he wasn’t actually “in” any patients.

Winston Bennett, an NBA player during the late 1980s and early 90s, claims he slept with 90 women per month before getting married and 45 per month afterwards. He kept up his stamina during the season by eating a lot of Kobe beef.

John McCain and Sarah Palin are scheduled to campaign together in Arizona next week for the first time since they conceded the presidential election in Phoenix in 2008. To prevent Sarah from saying anything that might harm his re-election campaign, McCain has been told to avoid shaking either of her hands.