Cheese Wheel of Death

Just like the man who ordered it, all of the furniture is covered in plastic.

Republican state representative Kevin Garn of Utah has admitted being naked in a hot tub with a 15-year-old girl 25 years ago and paying her to keep quiet about it. I knew people skied in Utah but I didn’t know they Polanskied.

A suspected al-Qaida terrorist arrested in Yemen worked at five different nuclear plants in the U.S. between 2002 and 2008. This guy was so suspicious, there’s an employee review in his file from Homer Simpson that says “D’oh!”

The Tea Party is holding a “Surge Against Obamacare” rally in Washington DC next week at the same time the Ringling Brothers Circus comes to town. The city is bringing in snow plows to remove all of the elephant droppings. Luckily, the circus has its own cleanup team.

In an interview with the BBC, Karl Rove said he’s “proud” the Bush administration used waterboarding and didn’t think it was torture. He’s right. “Torture” is listening to Karl Rove defend the Bush administration’s use of waterboarding.

Olympic figure skater Johnny Weir was not invited to be on the Stars on Ice Tour because organizers think he’s “not family friendly.” He’ll be replaced by a family friendly skater dressed as Lindsey Vonn’s butt from the picture on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

The legal team for legendary music producer Phil Spector is appealing his second-degree murder conviction on grounds of judicial error and prosecutorial misconduct. This marks the first time in years that the phrase “Phil Spector is appealing” has been used in a sentence.

Prince Phillip, husband of Queen Elizabeth, committed another one of his famous gaffs when he asked a female cadet in the British Navy if she worked at a strip club. The queen ignored him but Phillip got a call from his royal grandsons asking him to stop trying to find them dates.

A British man who fell asleep while cooking bacon claims he woke up an hour later and found the image of Jesus burned into the base of the frying pan. He can’t decide whether to sell it or cook up twelve more strips to see if he can get a picture of the Last Supper.

Organizers of an annual Cheese Rolling event in Gloucester, England, have cancelled the 200-year-old event because of health and safety concerns. This was a big disappointment to a film crew there to make “Cheese Wheel of Death.”