Barbara wouldn’t let him toss W

NASA reports that the first six months of this year were the hottest on record. It’s so hot, President Obama is meeting with Republicans just for the cold reception.

It’s so hot, Lindsay Lohan wrote “F U Sun” on her fingernails.

Swimmers in Austria are being asked to keep their mouths shut in public pools because it costs too much to replace the water they swallow. They also asked that swimmers wait an hour after eating a meal but jump right in if they’re on a liquid diet.

A total of 1,062 Chinese people broke a Guinness world record by keeping soccer balls in the air with their feet for 10 seconds simultaneously. They could have gone longer but quit when they saw another thousand people coming to cheer them on with vuvuzelas.

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says he's seriously considering seeking the Republican presidential nomination. It’s the only thing left after finding out there’s no openings on “Dancing With The Stars” until 2013.

Tiger Woods says he expects a positive reception from British fans at the British Open. The British will forgive any infidelity scandal as long as neither party screams out the queen’s name during sex.

In Washington state, the driver of a FedEx tractor-trailer rig choked on some spicy pork rinds, lost control of his truck on an interstate and jackknifed it before coming to a stop in a ditch. He was charged with DWI – driving with indigestion.

Archaeologists in Jerusalem have discovered a clay fragment from the 14th century B.C. that contains the words "you," "them," and "later." Sounds like evidence that Noah was auditioning young ladies for the last two seats on the ark.

Former President George H.W. Bush's fishing boat, Fidelity IV, ran aground in thick fog on a beach near his Maine home. He could have freed the boat by throwing off some dead weight but Barbara wouldn’t let him toss W.

A man stopped for a traffic violation in Connecticut was found to have seven bags of heroin concealed in his buttocks. The police got suspicious when they saw the man drive by and moon a crack house.

The parent company of Penthouse magazine plans to make an offer to buy Playboy Enterprises from Hugh Hefner, who wants to take the company private. Penthouse plans to make the bid in a letter that begins with “She begged to wrap a $100 million check around my hot, rigid manhood.”