Kentucky Fried Christian

A scientific reconstruction of one of the oldest sets of human remains found in the Americas has resulted in the image of a woman who appears to have migrated all the way from southeastern Asia. It looks like she came for the same reason many woman migrated here … the search for shorter lines outside the ladies bathroom cave.

Russian prime minister Vladimir Putin says he met with the Russian spies who were expelled from the U.S., promised them good jobs in their homeland and joined them in singing an unofficial KGB anthem. Having been in America so long, most of the spies thought the song was “Back in the USSR.”

In Colorado, a bear climbed into an unlocked Corolla and took it for a joyride before crashing in a thicket. The poor bear had to be tranquilized when he found out he was in a Toyota.

A man in China claims his 22-year-old chicken is a world record and the hen would be 400 in human years. That explains the resemblance to Joan Rivers.

A man in England claims his pet chicken that survived a fox attack now has the face of Jesus on its feathers, so he named it Gloria after Gloria Gaynor's song “I Will Survive.” The chicken is just happy it didn’t get named KFC – Kentucky Fried Christian.

In China, a man claiming to be addicted to eating light bulbs says he’s consumed over a thousand and that the addiction caused his wife to divorce him. It wasn’t the eating so much as it was the shredded chairs every time he passed gas.

Residents of the English town of Shitterton have stopped thieves from stealing the town’s welcome sign by carving its name on a one-ton boulder. If no one can take a Shitterton, shouldn’t the town now be called Constipation?

An 80-year-old Georgia man found $4,800 worth of pot inside the picture frame of a painting he was planning to sell. He should have suspected something when the eyes on the velvet Elvis got bigger while he was watching “Weeds.”

Police in Swissville, Pennsylvania, arrest a man who robbed a bank while wearing a woman's blond wig, fake breasts under a sweater and clown pants. He’ll be charged with robbery and impersonating golfer John Daly.

Police in Jordan arrested an animal rights activist who covered herself in lettuce to promote vegetarianism. Everything was fine until the wind blew and revealed that the salad had no dressing.