Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Holy Acrimony

To celebrate the release of “Toy Story 3,” a man in England legally changed his name to Buzz Lightyear. To celebrate his decision, his girlfriend changed her name to “I’m With Stupid.”

In China, a 12-year-old boy born with 12 fingers and 12 toes has decided to keep the extra digits because they’re fully functional. Not to mention he just secured the worldwide rights to the expression, “Give me a high-six!”

A 600-pound New Jersey woman has been declared the Fattest Woman to Have Given Birth by Guinness World Records. She says thousands of people pay $15 a month for pictures of her doing housework in her underwear, which means she’s in contact with more than two big boobs.

In Vienna, a Catholic church undergoing renovations is in trouble with the local bishop for advertising a used confessional as a one-person sauna. What’s the big deal? If it’s a confessional, tens of thousands have already sweat in it.

Police in South Carolina arrested a woman who allegedly stuffed a McDonald's sandwich into her pants and then complained that she never received it. She was able to post bail using the money that three creepy guys paid her for the sandwich.

According to the Coast Guard, the 5,600 vessels taking part in the oil spill operation on the Gulf of Mexico make up the largest fleet assembled since the Allied invasion of Normandy. The big difference is that at Normandy the British were on OUR side.

Scientists in London have discovered the most massive star ever seen. They’ve received congratulatory notes from astronomers around the world and a thank-you note from the previous first-place winner, Kirstie Alley.

Authorities in Russia are may file animal cruelty charges against a group that flew a donkey in a parasail over a beach in southern Russia. The owners of the donkey must also turn over their unfinished movie, “Up, Up and A-Bray!”

The Oakland City Council is considering a plan to license four farms where medical marijuana would be grown, packaged and processed. We finally have the answer to the musical question, “How ya gonna keep ‘em down on the farm after they’ve seen Paree?”

Newly-engaged Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are reportedly shopping a reality show about their relationship. Proving the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, Bristol says the show will end when she and Levi reach holy acrimony.

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