No paintings of birds playing poker

Goldman Sachs has banned the use of profanities in employee emails. The only exception is a “holy f***” when expressing joy and gratitude over your bonus.

Feminists in Austria are calling for a ban on a beer ad that features three topless women holding glasses of ale that match their hair colors. The beer company is willing to consider it if the feminists promise they’ll drink something called “bald ale.”

Congress is considering lifting the ban on Internet gambling as a way to generate new tax revenues. Republicans are especially interested in a new online poker game based on recent immigration laws called Arizona Holds-Em.

Eighty-nine-year-old Carol Channing is on the road promoting her latest CD, a collection of childhood favorites her father taught her. Her agent advised the white-haired singer to avoid appearing in a white pantsuit with white fuzzy slippers because it makes her like a giant Q-tip.

William Baldwin will have a recurring role during the second season of the series “Parenthood.” His character’s main job is to turn off the TV whenever “30 Rock” comes on.

Officials in Kansas City, Missouri, are suspending a fabric canopy under a highway to stop pigeon droppings from falling on a street in the arts district. Apparently the pigeons are upset because the arts district has no paintings of birds playing poker.

A judge in New York threw out a summons issued to a man wearing low-slung pants that exposed his underwear, saying that saggy pants is foolish but legal. However, the judge still fined the man for putting the song “Pants on the Ground” in his head for the rest of the day.

A partial set of dentures used by former British leader Winston Churchill sold at auction for $23,723. You can tell they’re Churchill’s because they start snapping when placed next to a bratwurst.

Former Dallas Cowboys quarterback Troy Aikman says he’ll be on “Dancing with the Stars” next season. This show has now featured more former NFL players than “America’s Most Wanted” and “Celebrity Rehab.”

Ousted Agriculture Department employee Shirley Sherrod says she’s suing conservative blogger Andrew Breitbart for posting an edited video of her. Breitbart immediately cut up the announcement and rearranged the letters to show that Sherrod was actually calling him an N-word.