Forget the flowers and send bushes instead

NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous.” He was hoping to get a job on Fox News, but they don’t have a need for anyone who tells the truth.

In Reno, Nevada, a five-year-old Maine Coon cat broke the Guinness world record for the world's longest domestic cat after measuring 48.5 inches from the tip of his nose to the tip of his tail. This cat is so long, it can ignore both its owners and their next-door neighbors at the same time.

Toyota is recalling 1.53 million Lexus, Avalon and other models for brake fluid and fuel pump problems. Things are so bad, all 2011 Toyotas will come with a free postage-paid box to send them back in.

Penthouse magazine founder Bob Guccione passed away at the age of 79. In his honor, the family is asking mourners to forget the flowers and send bushes instead.

Republican Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell now says she regrets doing the campaign ad in which she declared “I'm not a witch.” It’s not the ad she regrets – it’s not getting doused with a bucket of water at the end.

Some NFL players say the league’s new crackdown on violent hits will ruin the game. These are the same players who were looking forward to making money after retirement by crushing beer cans on their heads at autograph parties.

A federal appeals court froze a judge's order halting the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy after the Pentagon announced it will accept openly gay soldiers. The policy is now called “don’t ask, don’t tell me I have to change the recruiting sign again.”

A former Secret Service agent reveals in his new book that he nearly accidentally shot President Lyndon Johnson when the president stepped outside for some air. Johnson knew he was wrong to step out without letting anyone know, but that didn’t stop him from picking the agent up by his ears.

The Census Bureau reports that 20 percent of the statisticians in the U.S. work for the federal government. The Tea Party reports that the other 99 percent are pollsters for them.

A fisherman in Wisconsin caught a rare 51-inch albino muskie. According to most seafood chefs, the proper way to serve albino muskie is baked with a Moby dip.