Some terrified students had a severe setback in potty training

In a recent speech, Sarah Palin said that Democratic leaders “act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and use “pixie dust.” Then she realized she was reading from the hand she uses for Trig’s bedtime stories.

New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino is in trouble for emails he sent with pornographic photos attached. He claims he was hoping to sway the nudist colony vote.

In his upcoming autobiography, Rolling Stone Keith Richards describes Mick Jagger as unbearable but says they still might tour again. Nothing patches up old differences like guitars, groupies and ganja.

The owners of the Boston Red Sox have purchased Liverpool’s soccer club for $476 million. Boy, are they going to be upset when they find out you can’t use a green wall as a goalie.

Paramount Pictures is working on a sequel to the 1986 aviation action flick “Top Gun” with Tom Cruise reprising his role as Maverick. It will be a much smaller role since Sarah Palin and John McCain pretty much took all the fun out of being a maverick.

The man who streaked at an appearance by President Obama in Philadelphia won’t win a $1 million prize because the president didn’t see him. Republicans were quick to criticize Obama, saying this proves he never takes his eyes off of the teleprompter.

Swiss engineers have finished drilling the world’s longest tunnel – a 35.4 mile hole under the Alps. Since part of the drilling was through dirt, the longest hole through solid rock is still Glenn Beck’s ear canal.

A Massachusetts man is facing an assault charge for allegedly hitting a town hall custodian on the back of the head with a roll of toilet paper. The custodian is OK except for an overwhelming urge to run into the woods with a baby bear.

A New Jersey pilot is facing charges for dropping wet toilet paper from his small plane onto an elementary school. None of the kids were hurt, but the preschool teachers say some terrified students had a severe setback in potty training.

Researchers at Oregon Health & Science University say that yoga may benefit people suffering from fibromyalgia, a disease which causes muscle and joint pain, fatigue and sleep disturbance. Unfortunately, yoga can’t help pain in the tongue caused by trying to pronounce “fibromyalgia.”