Kirstie-o-lantern

The Wall Street Journal reports that Wall Street companies will pay employees $144 billion this year, breaking a record for the second year in a row. I don’t mind them breaking records, but I’d rather see them go for eating the most poisonous snakes or pounding the most nails in their skulls.

Apple has been granted a trademark for the phrase, “There's an app for that.” Not to be outdone, Microsoft is working to trademark the phrase, “The app is always greener on the other side of the fence.”

In a recent speech, Tea Party candidate Rand Paul brought up Bill Clinton’s indiscretions with White House intern Monica Lewinsky. This was good news for Monica Lewinsky’s publicist, who hasn’t had any luck getting her on “Dancing With The Stars.”

A prison website claims to have a black-and-white full frontal nude photo of the late great Yankee centerfielder, Mickey Mantle. It’s hard to tell for sure If it’s Mantle because he’s being crowded out of the picture by Brett Farve.

An Egyptian court granted a woman a divorce because her husband refused to bathe, claiming he was allergic to water. Lindsey Lohan is planning to use the same defense to explain why she started drinking again.

A Wisconsin man has grown a 1,810.5 pound pumpkin, breaking the world record. It so big, he plans to carve it into a Kirstie-o-lantern.

The 24-year-old man who streaked at President Barack Obama's rally in Philadelphia said he did it in an attempt to win $1 million offered by a British billionaire. President Obama didn’t see the streaker, but it gave him an idea of what to get Barney Frank for his birthday.

Members of the Cherokee Nation who have access to iPhones can now text each other in their native language. The Cherokee phrase texted most often so far is CUST R LOL.

Some Chinese scientists plan to search the mountainous areas of central China for the legendary Chinese version of Bigfoot known as “Yeren” We’ll know if they’re successful when we see the next Chinese national basketball team.

Republican strategist Karl Rove is denying reports that his party gets campaign donations from foreign sources. Looks like he’s still using the world map that he used to teach George W. Bush about geography.

Wal-Mart announced it will start selling Apple's iPad tablet computer in most of its stores in time for Christmas. It’s a special Wal-Mart version of the iPad that doubles as a cutting board and bug swatter.