One-eyed, one-horned flying purple potato eaters

A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. The cops are now searching for an extremely paranoid proctologist.

Mel Gibson's ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva said she feared for her life during a fight with him earlier this year. The worst part was the thought of calling 9-1-1 and having to keep re-spelling her name.

Facebook admitted that unspecified site issues caused the site to be slow or unavailable for some of its 500 million users. It was just a coincidence that those people were the ones who posted favorable reviews of “The Social Network.”

A purple potato that is supposedly healthier than white potatoes has gone on sale in England. Brits afraid to try the odd-colored chips with their fish are not impressed that the spuds are recommended by one-eyed, one-horned flying purple potato eaters.

According to a new study, transplant patients who believe in God have a better survival rate than atheists. Both groups are out-survived by transplant patients who believe in malpractice suits.

A Chinese airport in Inner Mongolia was forced to shut down to prevent commercial jets from crashing into what looked like a UFO. Passengers in the air were told that, in the event of an alien abduction, their seat cushions could be used as a probe-blocking device.

An American family attending a circus in the Ukraine recorded a video of lions attacking a lion trainer while the audience watched. They managed to smuggle the video out and are considering an offer from the Detroit NFL franchise to use it as a training film.

Firefighters in East Greenwich, Rhode Island, managed to save the life of an 18-foot Burmese python they found in a burning building. Then they almost killed it when they caught the snake humping their hose.

A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. The dentist is counter-suing since the piece of dental equipment was his finger.

Frito-Lay is getting rid of its 100 percent compostable SunChips bags after customer complaints that the bags were too noisy when handled. This was a real problem at Tea Party rallies where the noise outed SunChip eaters as the too-wussy-to-eat-all-American-potato-chips liberals they really are.

A Swedish hospital has apologized for a Halloween blood drive campaign that scared some people with its slogan: “Give Blood! See Blood!” They borrowed the slogan from the U.S. after a recent highly-successful NRA blood drive.

Police in British Columbia were called to a fundraiser after 150 drunken women started brawling when one stood on a chair and blocked their view of a male stripper. The cops arrested the women for assault and the stripper for doing the Full Mounty.