Press-on vampire teeth

Simon Cowell told Oprah that he thinks Adam Lambert will win “American Idol” because “He’s got swagger.” This means that after Lambert wins, he’ll celebrate by landing on an aircraft carrier under a banner that reads “Idol Accomplished.”

A St. Louis beauty salon owner found the script for the sequel to the movie “Twilight” in a trash container and decided to return it to the studio instead of selling it to the highest bidder. As a reward, she’ll be invited to the movie’s premiere and her salon gets first rights to market a new line of press-on vampire teeth.

Dick Cheney’s daughter Liz says her father’s defense of torture after leaving office is the same as Al Gore’s fight against global warming after he left the vice presidency. The main difference is that Gore doesn’t try to get people to change their minds about global warming by leaving them tied to a tree in the hot sun.

Miss USA pageant owner Donald Trump says Miss California Carrie Pejean can keep her title even though she failed to reveal she had posed topless in her underwear. Prejean says that Satan made her do it, which is also the Donald’s latest excuse for his hair.

NASA scientists are trying to figure out how to get the Mars rover Spirit out of some loose dirt it’s stuck in. NASA engineers looking for a solution have stopped watching “The Right Stuff” and switched to “Talladega Nights.”

The former Roman Catholic archbishop of Milwaukee who resigned in 2002 has revealed in his new memoir that he’s gay. It comes as no surprise to local Catholics who suspected he was gay when he celebrated the feast of St. Cher.

A woman in Florida is accused of making more than $8.5 million from an online prostitution business that charged $50,000 to spend the night with adult film stars. Her clients are safe since her little black book consists of a business card from Charlie Sheen.

A departing jetliner was pulled off the runway at Los Angeles International Airport after a baggage container was sucked into one of its engines. The clothingless passengers were put on another plane which they completely stripped of blankets, pillowcases and cloth napkins from first class.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is warning that the state will face “a very serious cash crisis” if voters reject ballot initiatives next week. If the Republican governor is forces to raise taxes, he’ll go from Conan the Barbarian to Conan the Contrarian.

Visitors are flocking to President Barack Obama's Hyde Park neighborhood in Chicago for tours of his house, his former church and the school his daughters attended. The area could become more popular than Disneyland, especially if the city buys the lot next door to Obama’s house and puts up a Pirates of Somalia ride.

A Texas man made it into the Guinness World Records book by receiving 1,197 piercings in a single day. He set a second record went to the airport and took over three hours to get through the metal detector.

A group of drummers from a South Carolina high school set a world record by sustaining a single drum roll for 27 hours and 23 seconds. They raised $3,600 to buy new equipment for the school band, including new drumsticks to replace the ones that burst into flames.

Manchester Community College in Connecticut college is offering a non-credit course for students interested in becoming experts at the dice game “craps.” Grades for the craps class include pass, fail and pass the hard way.