RNC Announces New Fall Schedule
In anticipation of winning both the White House and Congress in November and finally having the mandate to shut down the liberal media and its preponderance of man-dating-man shows, the Republican National Committee has announced its new fall schedule of television programs. While Fox News will become the nation’s only news channel, all programming on the Fox Network will be replaced with these shows as punishment for cancelling “24” and allowing Adam Lambert to almost win “American Idol.”
The Big Bank Theory
Four young investment bankers can’t get dates because they spend all of their time getting rich by buying up and liquidating online dating services. For fun, they dress up as their favorite characters from “Wall Street” and fight over who gets to be the Halliburton CEO in “World of Warcraft.”
Extreme Makeover: Gay Edition
Produced by Mitt Romney and Marcus Bachmann, the newest edition of the Extreme Makeover franchise has macho construction workers luring poor long-haired gays into rundown homes where they cut off their hair and scare them straight by making them lie in the driveway while one yells “Move that bus!”
Celebrity Whatever
Hosted by Kirk Cameron, Celebrity Whatever pits liberal Hollywood celebrities against each other doing whatever until they are voted off one-by-one by judges Chuck Norris, Victoria Jackson and Ted Nugent. When none are left, they award the trophy posthumously to Ronald Reagan.
Two and a half Minorities
An African-American, a Mexican-American and a half-Asian-American live in an expensive home in Malibu using food stamps, welfare checks and unemployment payments. An elderly white liberal woman adopts them so they can sponge off of her medical insurance while she deducts them on her tax return.
Welcome Back, Mother
A home-schooled woman goes back to the old house where she was home-schooled by her mother and takes over the education of four unruly and uneducated liberal children who were just like her before her mother beat some sense into her with a bible and Fun With Dick and Jane. Counts as three credits towards your home school diploma.
America's Funniest Homeland Videos
Spying on your liberal neighbors was never easier or more fun. Tell them they can win $1000 and they’ll let you videotape them doing anything – from tripping over the copier while making counterfeit food stamps in their basement to dressing up like Siamese twins and voting twice.
Parks and Frackreation
The parks director of a small Southern town discovered she can get $500 million in government funding by letting an oil company drill for natural gas in the city’s only park. The entire city moves to Beverly Hills with the swimming pools and movie stars.
Flee
Each week, the glee club at Ronald Reagan High performs a concert of original songs written to humiliate some heathen, abominable, America-hating liberal school organization, student or faculty member and cause them to flee the campus. Guest appearances by Ted Nugent, Toby Keith and Beach Geezer Bruce Johnston.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The Best Location In The Universe?
“3-2-1 liftoff! We have liftoff and Astronaut John Glenn is on his way to save our country from the evil Soviet monsters who want to take us over and make us drive ugly cars and wear big fur hats made from our own dogs!” OK, that may not be exactly how it went, but that’s the way I remember feeling as we listened to the historic mission on the radio in elementary school. We knew it was an historic event because nothing less than that would convince the nuns to skip arithmetic and let us listen to the radio in class. Oh, there was a promise once that we could listen if the Indians were in the world series but we know how that ended.
The celebration of the 50th anniversary of Glenn’s flight and how it truly changed our country and our town got me thinking about a more recent event – Newt Gingrich’s promise to establish a base on the moon if he’s elected president. I know this was more likely Newt’s way of distracting us from his two ex-wives and his current standing in the polls, but if it really was a possibility, it could be key to returning Cleveland to glory. And no, I’m not high on Tang. Hear me out.
What if Cleveland volunteered to move to the moon? Everything – lock, stock and beer barrel polka packed up and shipped to the lunar surface. Think of the jobs, think of the excitement, think of the chance to lose weight without dieting! We have the skilled labor force to build the ships and we’re used to holding our breath for long periods of time – have you watched the Cavs play lately? We know how to rejuvenate neighborhoods. That half of the moon that never sees the sun? We’ll get people to go there by putting a fresh food emporium there – the Dark Side Market. We can do this!
The benefits to becoming the Lunar City (Clevemoon? Lunarland? We’ll need to hold a contest) are enormous. Let’s start with the money we’ll save. If we leave now, we won’t have to finish the Innerbelt bridge. Better yet, we can start over and leave behind all of those things that have haunted us and taunted us – Pittsburgh, LeBron, the burning river, Dimora, Pittsburgh, the Fumble, Michigan, 10-cent beer night, Pittsburgh, Art Modell, did I mention Pittsburgh? Oh, and don’t forget the weather. The moon is covered with lakes and not one of them has a “lake effect.” The lunar rovers have been parked there for decades and there’s not a speck of rust on them. You’ll be able to take the kids to Lunar Point all year round.
If that’s not enough, here’s the ultimate incentive. By moving Cleveland to the moon, we guarantee championships for the Browns, the Indians and the Cavs. Our teams will win every game by forfeit, thus giving us new sports traditions, highlights and records we can be proud of. Thousand yard field goals! Four-hundred-foot-high alley-oops! No, LeBron, you can’t come back!
In honor of the men who inspired this idea, I propose we make John Glenn the first and oldest mayor on the moon and Newt Gingrich the first former House Speaker on the moon. Sorry, John Boehner, maybe you can get the Tang endorsement.
It’s time for Cleveland to take the title that’s rightfully ours … the best location in the universe. We can do this!
The celebration of the 50th anniversary of Glenn’s flight and how it truly changed our country and our town got me thinking about a more recent event – Newt Gingrich’s promise to establish a base on the moon if he’s elected president. I know this was more likely Newt’s way of distracting us from his two ex-wives and his current standing in the polls, but if it really was a possibility, it could be key to returning Cleveland to glory. And no, I’m not high on Tang. Hear me out.
What if Cleveland volunteered to move to the moon? Everything – lock, stock and beer barrel polka packed up and shipped to the lunar surface. Think of the jobs, think of the excitement, think of the chance to lose weight without dieting! We have the skilled labor force to build the ships and we’re used to holding our breath for long periods of time – have you watched the Cavs play lately? We know how to rejuvenate neighborhoods. That half of the moon that never sees the sun? We’ll get people to go there by putting a fresh food emporium there – the Dark Side Market. We can do this!
The benefits to becoming the Lunar City (Clevemoon? Lunarland? We’ll need to hold a contest) are enormous. Let’s start with the money we’ll save. If we leave now, we won’t have to finish the Innerbelt bridge. Better yet, we can start over and leave behind all of those things that have haunted us and taunted us – Pittsburgh, LeBron, the burning river, Dimora, Pittsburgh, the Fumble, Michigan, 10-cent beer night, Pittsburgh, Art Modell, did I mention Pittsburgh? Oh, and don’t forget the weather. The moon is covered with lakes and not one of them has a “lake effect.” The lunar rovers have been parked there for decades and there’s not a speck of rust on them. You’ll be able to take the kids to Lunar Point all year round.
If that’s not enough, here’s the ultimate incentive. By moving Cleveland to the moon, we guarantee championships for the Browns, the Indians and the Cavs. Our teams will win every game by forfeit, thus giving us new sports traditions, highlights and records we can be proud of. Thousand yard field goals! Four-hundred-foot-high alley-oops! No, LeBron, you can’t come back!
In honor of the men who inspired this idea, I propose we make John Glenn the first and oldest mayor on the moon and Newt Gingrich the first former House Speaker on the moon. Sorry, John Boehner, maybe you can get the Tang endorsement.
It’s time for Cleveland to take the title that’s rightfully ours … the best location in the universe. We can do this!
Monday, August 15, 2011
Greyhound One
According to a new book, the British had a plan during the Second World War to turn Hitler into a woman by secretly putting female sex hormones in his food. Bad plan. The only thing worse than Hitler is Hitler with PMS.
The makers of Spanx have a line of figure-changing boxer shorts that are supposed to suck in beer bellies, lift up sagging butts and smooth out spare tires. If you wonder where the fat goes, they come with a warning not to put them on before taking off your baseball cap.
Ukraine’s environmental minister has banned restaurants from giving vodka to caged bears as a form of entertainment. Not only is it bad for the bears, it’s a waste of good vodka, according to Ukraine’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Alcohol.
With his approval rating below 40 percent for the first time, President Obama is visiting three states by bus. Nothing brings confidence that our leader will fix our economic problems like watching him step off of Greyhound One.
Republican presidential hopefuls Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann appeared at the same event in Iowa without acknowledging each other’s presence. They were practicing for when they’re out campaigning and meet poor people.
Warren Buffett says in a New York Times opinion piece that billionaires like himself should pay more in taxes. Wrong place. If he wants other billionaires to read it, he should write it on the back of a senator.
The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources says the invasive species known as Asian carp have been found in the Wisconsin River. Governor Scott Walker plans to stop the carp by passing a bill making it illegal for them to organize in schools.
Ron Paul says his second place finish in the Iowa straw poll with 4,671 votes shows he’s a valid candidate for president. If that’s the case, so is every kid who finished second in the high school senior class election.
Sara Lee and Kraft foods are in court fighting over whether Ball Park Franks or Oscar Meyer are the nation’s top hot dogs. No matter which one wins, we hate both of them for reminding us of Anthony Weiner.
The makers of Spanx have a line of figure-changing boxer shorts that are supposed to suck in beer bellies, lift up sagging butts and smooth out spare tires. If you wonder where the fat goes, they come with a warning not to put them on before taking off your baseball cap.
Ukraine’s environmental minister has banned restaurants from giving vodka to caged bears as a form of entertainment. Not only is it bad for the bears, it’s a waste of good vodka, according to Ukraine’s People for the Ethical Treatment of Alcohol.
With his approval rating below 40 percent for the first time, President Obama is visiting three states by bus. Nothing brings confidence that our leader will fix our economic problems like watching him step off of Greyhound One.
Republican presidential hopefuls Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann appeared at the same event in Iowa without acknowledging each other’s presence. They were practicing for when they’re out campaigning and meet poor people.
Warren Buffett says in a New York Times opinion piece that billionaires like himself should pay more in taxes. Wrong place. If he wants other billionaires to read it, he should write it on the back of a senator.
The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources says the invasive species known as Asian carp have been found in the Wisconsin River. Governor Scott Walker plans to stop the carp by passing a bill making it illegal for them to organize in schools.
Ron Paul says his second place finish in the Iowa straw poll with 4,671 votes shows he’s a valid candidate for president. If that’s the case, so is every kid who finished second in the high school senior class election.
Sara Lee and Kraft foods are in court fighting over whether Ball Park Franks or Oscar Meyer are the nation’s top hot dogs. No matter which one wins, we hate both of them for reminding us of Anthony Weiner.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Watch as she flies by
Malaysian radio stations worried about listeners being offended by some lyrics in Lady Gaga’s song “Born This Way” have been replacing them with indecipherable garble. The move backfired as Malaysians are now calling Gaga the next Bob Dylan.
Police in Malaysia have recovered about 700,000 condoms that were stolen while being shipped two months ago. The six condom thieves are now in jail where they’re getting no pleasure from being ribbed.
Darren Taylor, who calls himself Professor Splash, has broken his own world shallow water diving record by diving from a 36-foot tower into a wading pool filled with 12 inches of water. He’s been doing it for so long, he travels around the world by shipping himself in a large envelope.
A commemorative mug celebrating the upcoming Royal wedding is now a collector’s item because it has a picture of Prince Harry, the brother of future groom Prince William. It’s the perfect mug for hot drinks because Kate Middleton looks really steamed.
A contestant on “Thailand's Got Talent” shocked audiences by revealing herself as a male-to-female transgender when her soprano voice changed to tenor midway through her performance. One frustrated judge couldn’t decide whether to call the singer “Dawg” or “Cat.”
Donald Trump says he would spend up to $600 million of his own money on a presidential campaign if he decides to run in 2012. It would be more but taxpayers will foot the bill for Secret Service protection for his hair.
A Republican state representative in Texas has introduced a bill that would establish new workplace protections for proponents of creationism or other alternate theories of the origination and development of organisms. Unfortunately, Texas offers no such protection for proponents of the Hawaiian origination and development of President Obama.
First lady Michelle Obama is writing a book about her White House garden and the benefits of healthy eating. This will be the first book written by a First Lady that actually digs up some dirt.
Singer LeAnn Rimes says people worried about recent photos of her looking extremely thin should come see how she looks in person. Or better yet, look out the window during a strong wind and watch as she flies by.
Police in Malaysia have recovered about 700,000 condoms that were stolen while being shipped two months ago. The six condom thieves are now in jail where they’re getting no pleasure from being ribbed.
Darren Taylor, who calls himself Professor Splash, has broken his own world shallow water diving record by diving from a 36-foot tower into a wading pool filled with 12 inches of water. He’s been doing it for so long, he travels around the world by shipping himself in a large envelope.
A commemorative mug celebrating the upcoming Royal wedding is now a collector’s item because it has a picture of Prince Harry, the brother of future groom Prince William. It’s the perfect mug for hot drinks because Kate Middleton looks really steamed.
A contestant on “Thailand's Got Talent” shocked audiences by revealing herself as a male-to-female transgender when her soprano voice changed to tenor midway through her performance. One frustrated judge couldn’t decide whether to call the singer “Dawg” or “Cat.”
Donald Trump says he would spend up to $600 million of his own money on a presidential campaign if he decides to run in 2012. It would be more but taxpayers will foot the bill for Secret Service protection for his hair.
A Republican state representative in Texas has introduced a bill that would establish new workplace protections for proponents of creationism or other alternate theories of the origination and development of organisms. Unfortunately, Texas offers no such protection for proponents of the Hawaiian origination and development of President Obama.
First lady Michelle Obama is writing a book about her White House garden and the benefits of healthy eating. This will be the first book written by a First Lady that actually digs up some dirt.
Singer LeAnn Rimes says people worried about recent photos of her looking extremely thin should come see how she looks in person. Or better yet, look out the window during a strong wind and watch as she flies by.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Let’s move Capitol Hill to Bora Bora
Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, to whom history is a mystery, proudly states that she homeschooled her five children and 23 foster children. This explains why many of them come to Thanksgiving dinner dressed as Founding Fathers.
Republican Congressman Virgil Peck of Kansas claims he was just joking when he suggested that illegal immigration could be controlled with gunmen shooting from helicopters. Since he still has his job, Congress might be a new career opportunity for Gilbert Gottfried.
Despite what’s happening in Japan, House Republicans are still defending cuts to foreign aid and ocean safety in their budget proposals. Before they vote on it, let’s move Capitol Hill to Bora Bora.
According to a new poll, for the first time ever the number of people who say they get their news online is greater than those who get it from newspapers. Newspapers are hoping to regain readers by adding a new section devoted to pictures of kittens.
Since the Amish don’t like to be photographed, Amish gun-owners in Illinois are upset about a new rule requiring photos to be on gun-owner ID cards. They’re warning this could cause a rise in serial sickle-killers.
A boa constrictor being held by a female model in Israel died after biting the woman’s silicone breast. An autopsy was performed on the snake to determine how it was able to bite and smile at the same time.
A racetrack in England is selling designer boots made in the shape of horses’ hooves. The first thing women ask the salesman after putting them on is, “Do these shoes make my butt look fast?”
A 13-year-old Ohio boy has launched his own line of scented candles called Mancans that are designed for men, with fragrances like bacon, pizza, sawdust and the smell of a new leather baseball mitt. They’re selling so well, he’s planning to open his own store called Bees, Beer and Beyond.
Alaska authorities say a 6-year-old Anchorage boy is doing better after being attacked by a moose while walking home from school. Sarah Palin blamed this on the Democrats and their push for public schools over home-schooling.
Despite winning the online poll, city fathers in Fort Wayne, Indiana, have decided not to name a new government building after a former mayor and call it the Harry Baals Government Center. Fans of Hairy Baals are hoping local construction picks up and they can use the name for a new erection.
Critics of a Nevada bill banning air fresheners and candles in public places say it will lead to smelly rooms and prohibit priests from using candles in Mass. Priests can get around the law by having the choir sing Freebird so parishioners will illuminate the church with lighters.
Republican Congressman Virgil Peck of Kansas claims he was just joking when he suggested that illegal immigration could be controlled with gunmen shooting from helicopters. Since he still has his job, Congress might be a new career opportunity for Gilbert Gottfried.
Despite what’s happening in Japan, House Republicans are still defending cuts to foreign aid and ocean safety in their budget proposals. Before they vote on it, let’s move Capitol Hill to Bora Bora.
According to a new poll, for the first time ever the number of people who say they get their news online is greater than those who get it from newspapers. Newspapers are hoping to regain readers by adding a new section devoted to pictures of kittens.
Since the Amish don’t like to be photographed, Amish gun-owners in Illinois are upset about a new rule requiring photos to be on gun-owner ID cards. They’re warning this could cause a rise in serial sickle-killers.
A boa constrictor being held by a female model in Israel died after biting the woman’s silicone breast. An autopsy was performed on the snake to determine how it was able to bite and smile at the same time.
A racetrack in England is selling designer boots made in the shape of horses’ hooves. The first thing women ask the salesman after putting them on is, “Do these shoes make my butt look fast?”
A 13-year-old Ohio boy has launched his own line of scented candles called Mancans that are designed for men, with fragrances like bacon, pizza, sawdust and the smell of a new leather baseball mitt. They’re selling so well, he’s planning to open his own store called Bees, Beer and Beyond.
Alaska authorities say a 6-year-old Anchorage boy is doing better after being attacked by a moose while walking home from school. Sarah Palin blamed this on the Democrats and their push for public schools over home-schooling.
Despite winning the online poll, city fathers in Fort Wayne, Indiana, have decided not to name a new government building after a former mayor and call it the Harry Baals Government Center. Fans of Hairy Baals are hoping local construction picks up and they can use the name for a new erection.
Critics of a Nevada bill banning air fresheners and candles in public places say it will lead to smelly rooms and prohibit priests from using candles in Mass. Priests can get around the law by having the choir sing Freebird so parishioners will illuminate the church with lighters.
Monday, January 31, 2011
He’s finally OK with all the Oompa-Loompa jokes
The most unusual royal wedding souvenir so far is a memorial condom from Crown Jewels Condoms of Distinction, which the package describes as being “lavishly lubed” and “regally ribbed.” If you think that’s tacky, those are also Kate and William’s nicknames for each other.
In Switzerland, a circus tightrope walker set a new world record by walking across a cable car wire nearly two miles above the ground. From that altitude, the Swiss army looks like a little knife.
Doctors in Warsaw say a drunk man found lying on a frozen park bench in his underwear in below-freezing weather survived because his blood alcohol level was nearly 30 times the legal limit for driving. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it – tipsy.
A crematorium in Crestone, Colorado, is the only one in the nation offering funeral pyres - open-air cremations for people regardless of religion. Many families also request a walk through a nearby swamp after the funeral pyre, but the director says there’s no time to wallow in the mire.
The popularity of the HBO show "Boardwalk Empire" about Prohibition-era Atlantic City has prompted many casinos and hotels there to take on a 1920’s look. It’s the same thing that happened in Washington after the Republicans took control of the House.
The White House kicked off “Startup America,” a national campaign to promote entrepreneurship across the country. The European Union has a similar campaign to promote European businesses called “Shut up, America.”
KEE Action Sports LLC of New Jersey is recalling 1,400 paintball guns because they could injure the user or the person they’re pointed at. The aluminum paintball guns will be replaced with safer ones made from irony.
Sarah Palin says she thinks a rumored media boycott of her is good because then she won't get “blamed” for the uprising in Egypt. On the other hand, she’d love to helicopter over Cairo and shoot one of them sphinxes.
British actor Henry Cavill has been selected for the title role in the next Superman film. I’m not sure American audiences will flock to see the Man of Steel wearing a cape and a cane.
House Speaker John Bohener says he’s not going to apologize for crying and he wants people to stop picking on him for smoking. Well, at least he’s finally OK with all the Oompa-Loompa jokes.
In Switzerland, a circus tightrope walker set a new world record by walking across a cable car wire nearly two miles above the ground. From that altitude, the Swiss army looks like a little knife.
Doctors in Warsaw say a drunk man found lying on a frozen park bench in his underwear in below-freezing weather survived because his blood alcohol level was nearly 30 times the legal limit for driving. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it – tipsy.
A crematorium in Crestone, Colorado, is the only one in the nation offering funeral pyres - open-air cremations for people regardless of religion. Many families also request a walk through a nearby swamp after the funeral pyre, but the director says there’s no time to wallow in the mire.
The popularity of the HBO show "Boardwalk Empire" about Prohibition-era Atlantic City has prompted many casinos and hotels there to take on a 1920’s look. It’s the same thing that happened in Washington after the Republicans took control of the House.
The White House kicked off “Startup America,” a national campaign to promote entrepreneurship across the country. The European Union has a similar campaign to promote European businesses called “Shut up, America.”
KEE Action Sports LLC of New Jersey is recalling 1,400 paintball guns because they could injure the user or the person they’re pointed at. The aluminum paintball guns will be replaced with safer ones made from irony.
Sarah Palin says she thinks a rumored media boycott of her is good because then she won't get “blamed” for the uprising in Egypt. On the other hand, she’d love to helicopter over Cairo and shoot one of them sphinxes.
British actor Henry Cavill has been selected for the title role in the next Superman film. I’m not sure American audiences will flock to see the Man of Steel wearing a cape and a cane.
House Speaker John Bohener says he’s not going to apologize for crying and he wants people to stop picking on him for smoking. Well, at least he’s finally OK with all the Oompa-Loompa jokes.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Unicorn tortillas
Kate Middleton has quit her day job working as a web designer to focus on her upcoming marriage to Prince William. She didn’t want to quit, but it was easier than trying to explain to Wills what a “job” was.
Bristol Palin says she’s received a job offer to co-host a radio show in her new home state of Arizona. You can tell she’s a Palin because she’s looking forward to showing listeners the new dance steps she’s learned.
Former Republican Senator George Allen says he made up the word “macaca” that cost him the Virginia election in 2006. And if you don’t believe him, he says you’re a midiot.
A married Canadian man is making a documentary about his trip around the world with six life-size sex dolls for company. I don’t want to give away the ending, but it involves his wife, the sex dolls, sled dogs and six Lady Gaga meat dresses.
Before it was removed, the hottest video on YouTube showed a man filming himself lying on railroad tracks while a train passes over him. It was replaced with a video shot by a witness onboard called “Throw-up Mama From The Train.”
A woman named Kate Middleton was kicked off Facebook for having the same name as Prince William's fiancée. To get her account back and keep from being harassed by fans of the royal family, she’s changing her name top Camilla Parker-Bowles.
A town council in England is in trouble for plans to use its crematorium furnace to heat a swimming pool. They didn’t think any pool users would notice since you don’t feel the crematorium heat until you’re six feet under.
Some public restrooms in Tokyo are offering video games called Toylets with eye-level screens which are controlled by the aim and pressure of the player’s stream of urine. Those with prostate problems can play Gland Theft Auto.
A California company is working on a line of medical marijuana soft drinks with names like Canna Cola and Doc Weed. You can’t overdose but if you start to feel sluggish, the company recommends switching to 7-Uppers.
The owner of Boca Tacos and Tequila in Tuscon, Arizona, has decided to scrap plans to offer African lion meat in his tacos. Serving up endangered species hasn’t been a good idea since a medieval restaurant started offering unicorn tortillas.
Bristol Palin says she’s received a job offer to co-host a radio show in her new home state of Arizona. You can tell she’s a Palin because she’s looking forward to showing listeners the new dance steps she’s learned.
Former Republican Senator George Allen says he made up the word “macaca” that cost him the Virginia election in 2006. And if you don’t believe him, he says you’re a midiot.
A married Canadian man is making a documentary about his trip around the world with six life-size sex dolls for company. I don’t want to give away the ending, but it involves his wife, the sex dolls, sled dogs and six Lady Gaga meat dresses.
Before it was removed, the hottest video on YouTube showed a man filming himself lying on railroad tracks while a train passes over him. It was replaced with a video shot by a witness onboard called “Throw-up Mama From The Train.”
A woman named Kate Middleton was kicked off Facebook for having the same name as Prince William's fiancée. To get her account back and keep from being harassed by fans of the royal family, she’s changing her name top Camilla Parker-Bowles.
A town council in England is in trouble for plans to use its crematorium furnace to heat a swimming pool. They didn’t think any pool users would notice since you don’t feel the crematorium heat until you’re six feet under.
Some public restrooms in Tokyo are offering video games called Toylets with eye-level screens which are controlled by the aim and pressure of the player’s stream of urine. Those with prostate problems can play Gland Theft Auto.
A California company is working on a line of medical marijuana soft drinks with names like Canna Cola and Doc Weed. You can’t overdose but if you start to feel sluggish, the company recommends switching to 7-Uppers.
The owner of Boca Tacos and Tequila in Tuscon, Arizona, has decided to scrap plans to offer African lion meat in his tacos. Serving up endangered species hasn’t been a good idea since a medieval restaurant started offering unicorn tortillas.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Flashing their juicy fruits
Rep. Michele Bachmann will be giving the Tea Party response to President Obama’s State of the Union address. Bachmann is the perfect choice since no one in the Tea Party is better at putting the “butt” in rebuttal.
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas failed to report his wife's income of almost $700,000 from a conservative think tank for at least five years. Thomas didn’t do it intentionally – he was just waiting to see what Justice Antonin Scalia put on his tax form first.
Military experts say China’s new stealth fighter jet may have been made using parts and technology from an American F-117 Nighthawk that was shot down over Serbia in 1999. That explains why much of the plane appears to be held together with stealth duct tape.
In Munich, Germany, a dentist bought low-cut dresses for herself and her nurses to distract patients while she drills their teeth. It works great, but now she has to invest in heavy-duty drool-suckers.
Republican House majority leader Eric Cantor says he believes President Obama is a citizen. He won’t say this during the president’s State of the Union address because he doesn’t want Joe Miller to yell “You lie!”
A man in Germany won a brand new Mini Cooper after having the car’s logo tattooed on his manhood. Now his girlfriend has two reasons for nicknaming his manhood “Mini Cooper.”
After 233 days in a locked steel capsule in Moscow, six researchers on a 520-day simulated flight to Mars are getting ready for their fake landing on the Red Planet. This project is so low-budget, the fake landing will be created by the six guys jumping up and down simultaneously.
Republican George Allen will try to reclaim the Senate seat from Virginia he lost five years ago after using the racial slur “macaca.” Allen has learned his lesson and will switch to the expression “You know what I’m talkin’ about.”
The Wrigley Company has pulled its ads from MTV's controversial teen drama “Skins.” Apparently Wrigley had a different idea in mind when the show’s producers said they’d show teenagers flashing their juicy fruits.
Palace insiders say Sarah Ferguson, the duchess of York and ex-wife of Prince Andrew, will receive an invitation to Prince William's marriage ceremony to Kate Middleton. Her royal invitation will be stamped “Not for resale.”
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas failed to report his wife's income of almost $700,000 from a conservative think tank for at least five years. Thomas didn’t do it intentionally – he was just waiting to see what Justice Antonin Scalia put on his tax form first.
Military experts say China’s new stealth fighter jet may have been made using parts and technology from an American F-117 Nighthawk that was shot down over Serbia in 1999. That explains why much of the plane appears to be held together with stealth duct tape.
In Munich, Germany, a dentist bought low-cut dresses for herself and her nurses to distract patients while she drills their teeth. It works great, but now she has to invest in heavy-duty drool-suckers.
Republican House majority leader Eric Cantor says he believes President Obama is a citizen. He won’t say this during the president’s State of the Union address because he doesn’t want Joe Miller to yell “You lie!”
A man in Germany won a brand new Mini Cooper after having the car’s logo tattooed on his manhood. Now his girlfriend has two reasons for nicknaming his manhood “Mini Cooper.”
After 233 days in a locked steel capsule in Moscow, six researchers on a 520-day simulated flight to Mars are getting ready for their fake landing on the Red Planet. This project is so low-budget, the fake landing will be created by the six guys jumping up and down simultaneously.
Republican George Allen will try to reclaim the Senate seat from Virginia he lost five years ago after using the racial slur “macaca.” Allen has learned his lesson and will switch to the expression “You know what I’m talkin’ about.”
The Wrigley Company has pulled its ads from MTV's controversial teen drama “Skins.” Apparently Wrigley had a different idea in mind when the show’s producers said they’d show teenagers flashing their juicy fruits.
Palace insiders say Sarah Ferguson, the duchess of York and ex-wife of Prince Andrew, will receive an invitation to Prince William's marriage ceremony to Kate Middleton. Her royal invitation will be stamped “Not for resale.”
Friday, January 21, 2011
They both bunted
An Australian physicist claims that the star Betelgeuse could go supernova in 2012, causing the Earth to have two suns for a few weeks and possibly have no night. The good news is, we’ll be able to stop it if everyone on the planet simultaneously yells “Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!”
In Norway, a 13-year-old boy scared off a pack of wolves by playing the heavy metal group Megadeath on his mobile phone. He was playing Angry Birds and thinks the wolves may have been attracted to the pigs.
A Polish company has developed a communist version of the ultimate capitalist game Monopoly where players circle the board trying to acquire bread, toilet paper and other basic necessities. It’s expected to be popular in Poland, other former communist countries and Detroit.
Star Wars producer George Lucas says he believes the world will end in 2012. Boy, some people will say anything to get a lifetime achievement award.
South Korean special forces performed a daring raid and saved the crew of a hijacked freighter in the Arabian Sea from Somali pirates. The commandos managed to scare the pirates into submission by saying they were from North Korea.
Sacha Baron Cohen will play Saddam Hussein in a new film called “The Dictator.” And in a surprise casting decision, Borat will play George W. Bush.
For the first time since the 1800s, a small group of wild bison was herded into their historical grazing grounds north of Yellowstone National Park in Montana. Republicans protested the cost of caring for the animals because it’s a national park so taxpayers will have to pick up the buffalo bill.
Cross-dressing Day for students at a public school in Canada was canceled after protests from parents. I don’t blame them. Have you ever tried to find hockey masks for girls?
Police in Sandusky, Ohio, arrested two brothers after they hit each other in the head with baseball bats. It could have been worse but the men were lousy hitters so they both bunted.
A woman in Oklahoma is upset at school officials for giving her 7-year-old son an in-school suspension for pointing his finger like a gun. They had to do it because he was holding a box of 30 ladyfingers so that made his hand an assault weapon.
In Norway, a 13-year-old boy scared off a pack of wolves by playing the heavy metal group Megadeath on his mobile phone. He was playing Angry Birds and thinks the wolves may have been attracted to the pigs.
A Polish company has developed a communist version of the ultimate capitalist game Monopoly where players circle the board trying to acquire bread, toilet paper and other basic necessities. It’s expected to be popular in Poland, other former communist countries and Detroit.
Star Wars producer George Lucas says he believes the world will end in 2012. Boy, some people will say anything to get a lifetime achievement award.
South Korean special forces performed a daring raid and saved the crew of a hijacked freighter in the Arabian Sea from Somali pirates. The commandos managed to scare the pirates into submission by saying they were from North Korea.
Sacha Baron Cohen will play Saddam Hussein in a new film called “The Dictator.” And in a surprise casting decision, Borat will play George W. Bush.
For the first time since the 1800s, a small group of wild bison was herded into their historical grazing grounds north of Yellowstone National Park in Montana. Republicans protested the cost of caring for the animals because it’s a national park so taxpayers will have to pick up the buffalo bill.
Cross-dressing Day for students at a public school in Canada was canceled after protests from parents. I don’t blame them. Have you ever tried to find hockey masks for girls?
Police in Sandusky, Ohio, arrested two brothers after they hit each other in the head with baseball bats. It could have been worse but the men were lousy hitters so they both bunted.
A woman in Oklahoma is upset at school officials for giving her 7-year-old son an in-school suspension for pointing his finger like a gun. They had to do it because he was holding a box of 30 ladyfingers so that made his hand an assault weapon.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Stands With An Erection
Charlie Sheen reportedly ran up a $26,000 prostitute tab one weekend in Las Vegas in early January. This guy has more expensive hoes than a Neiman-Marcus Santa.
LeBron James has a new animated series called “The LeBrons” on YouTube that he claims will show kids of all ages how to be a good person. The only way for that to happen is for cartoon LeBron to tell the kids to turn the PC off.
Researchers in Maine have discovered a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they are calling the earliest confirmed domesticated dog in the Americas. The bone was found in a pile of human excrement, which means that either a person ate the dog or that early scooper laws were the opposite of today’s.
The president of the Boston Blazers lacrosse team apologized to fans for a racy halftime show involving scantily clad women giving lap dances to the team's mascot. What’s the big surprise? Everybody knows that “lacrosse” is a Native American word that means “Stands With An Erection.”
The maker of a $264 gastric bypass kit available on Amazon.com says the product was not meant for home use. People who liked it also liked the case of 144 Twinkies.
A Missouri woman who owns and operates a museum dedicated to hair says she has locks from Elvis Presley, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Marilyn Monroe. Amazingly, they were all found in a sink at the White House.
Sen. Joe Lieberman Announced he won’t run for re-election in 2012. Lieberman has run as a member of every party except the Tea Party and decided he looks silly in a three-corner hat.
An infectious disease expert says washing hands with soap and water is the best way to keep germs from spreading but there is no best way to dry hands. The worst way is asking the guy standing next to you to blow on them.
Hillary Clinton says she hasn't committed to serving a second term as secretary of state if President Barack Obama is reelected to the White House in 2012. She’s waiting for Obama to decide whether she and Biden should flip coins, draw straws or arm-wrestle.
According to the latest poll, Sarah Palin’s unfavorability ratings have reached 56 percent, the highest ever. This could kill her chances to run for president or get picked to host the Golden Globes.
LeBron James has a new animated series called “The LeBrons” on YouTube that he claims will show kids of all ages how to be a good person. The only way for that to happen is for cartoon LeBron to tell the kids to turn the PC off.
Researchers in Maine have discovered a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they are calling the earliest confirmed domesticated dog in the Americas. The bone was found in a pile of human excrement, which means that either a person ate the dog or that early scooper laws were the opposite of today’s.
The president of the Boston Blazers lacrosse team apologized to fans for a racy halftime show involving scantily clad women giving lap dances to the team's mascot. What’s the big surprise? Everybody knows that “lacrosse” is a Native American word that means “Stands With An Erection.”
The maker of a $264 gastric bypass kit available on Amazon.com says the product was not meant for home use. People who liked it also liked the case of 144 Twinkies.
A Missouri woman who owns and operates a museum dedicated to hair says she has locks from Elvis Presley, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Marilyn Monroe. Amazingly, they were all found in a sink at the White House.
Sen. Joe Lieberman Announced he won’t run for re-election in 2012. Lieberman has run as a member of every party except the Tea Party and decided he looks silly in a three-corner hat.
An infectious disease expert says washing hands with soap and water is the best way to keep germs from spreading but there is no best way to dry hands. The worst way is asking the guy standing next to you to blow on them.
Hillary Clinton says she hasn't committed to serving a second term as secretary of state if President Barack Obama is reelected to the White House in 2012. She’s waiting for Obama to decide whether she and Biden should flip coins, draw straws or arm-wrestle.
According to the latest poll, Sarah Palin’s unfavorability ratings have reached 56 percent, the highest ever. This could kill her chances to run for president or get picked to host the Golden Globes.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Jack Bauer – The Later Years
A councilman in Huntington Beach, California, wants police to post mug shots of anyone arrested more than once for driving while under the influence. If public humiliation of lawbreakers really worked, there’d be nothing to watch on C-SPAN.
Regis Philbin announced he is retiring from “Live! with Regis and Kelly” at the end of this season. He’s been on TV so long, his wife still slaps the side of his head to stop him from stuttering.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he hasn't made a decision yet on a heart transplant. He can’t decide on what flavor he wants: vanilla or light vanilla.
Dick Cheney says he offered to step aside as vice president multiple times. Usually when he and W. were playing that game where the vice president stands behind the president and says he’ll catch him when he falls backwards.
Sarah Palin says she used the term “blood libel” to refer to people who falsely accused her of having blood on her hands. Then she held up her note-less palms and said they were ink libel too.
A girl in Pennsylvania became an accidental YouTube star after she was caught on a security camera falling into a shopping center fountain while texting. She’s already gotten offers to appear on a new Pennsylvania reality show called Erie Shore.
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban announced their second daughter was born last month via surrogate in Nashville. The baby arrived before Keith and Nicole could release their new song, “She’s Having Our Baby.”
University of California-Davis officials are investigating allegations that a professor polled his students on what grade to give a classmate. Not surprisingly, the votes of the football players in the class were divided evenly between “pass,” “run” and “kick.”
The FCC and the Justice Department approved the merger of Comcast, the nation's largest cable and residential Internet provider, with NBC-Universal. The new company will be called We Shall Over-Comcast.
A study of children in Singapore found those who play 20 hours of video games a week are more likely than others to be anxious or depressed. Especially when they point their game controllers out the window and the birds don’t hit any pigs.
The producers of “The Good Wife” asked former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to appear as himself on the show. Rumsfeld turned it down because he’s holding out for the lead in “Jack Bauer – The Later Years.”
Regis Philbin announced he is retiring from “Live! with Regis and Kelly” at the end of this season. He’s been on TV so long, his wife still slaps the side of his head to stop him from stuttering.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney says he hasn't made a decision yet on a heart transplant. He can’t decide on what flavor he wants: vanilla or light vanilla.
Dick Cheney says he offered to step aside as vice president multiple times. Usually when he and W. were playing that game where the vice president stands behind the president and says he’ll catch him when he falls backwards.
Sarah Palin says she used the term “blood libel” to refer to people who falsely accused her of having blood on her hands. Then she held up her note-less palms and said they were ink libel too.
A girl in Pennsylvania became an accidental YouTube star after she was caught on a security camera falling into a shopping center fountain while texting. She’s already gotten offers to appear on a new Pennsylvania reality show called Erie Shore.
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban announced their second daughter was born last month via surrogate in Nashville. The baby arrived before Keith and Nicole could release their new song, “She’s Having Our Baby.”
University of California-Davis officials are investigating allegations that a professor polled his students on what grade to give a classmate. Not surprisingly, the votes of the football players in the class were divided evenly between “pass,” “run” and “kick.”
The FCC and the Justice Department approved the merger of Comcast, the nation's largest cable and residential Internet provider, with NBC-Universal. The new company will be called We Shall Over-Comcast.
A study of children in Singapore found those who play 20 hours of video games a week are more likely than others to be anxious or depressed. Especially when they point their game controllers out the window and the birds don’t hit any pigs.
The producers of “The Good Wife” asked former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to appear as himself on the show. Rumsfeld turned it down because he’s holding out for the lead in “Jack Bauer – The Later Years.”
Monday, January 17, 2011
Blood liable
Freddy the cat, who moved into the Sharon, Wisconsin, Village Hall a few summers ago, has been adopted by local residents as their mayor. He’s so popular, they’re afraid someone will steal him next year to be their vice presidential running mate.
Starbucks is bringing out its biggest drink size ever: the 31-ounce “Trenta.” Trent comes from an Italian word that means “Cupholder can also be used as an emergency diaper.”
Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee is hosting a weeklong “Christian-based” cruise along the Alaskan coast this summer. Sarah Palin says there’s no connection between this and the 400-foot-tall wall she’s building along the coastal side of her house.
A couple in Australia had to be rescued after they tried to float down a flood-swollen river on two inflatable sex dolls, prompting a warning from police that blow-up sex toys are “not recognized flotation devices.” Unless you pay extra for the new Mike and Molly models.
A legendary British cricket umpire is demanding that his hometown to move a statue of him because kids are hanging bras and panties from its outstretched arm and finger. This is another reason why we’ll never see a statue of Tiger Woods.
The CEO of the online coupon provider Groupon apologized to Japanese customers for a New Year's deal gone wrong. He had no idea they’d be so upset when he named the Japanese subsidiary Gloupon.
Undertakers in Vienna, Austria, are planning to use a crematorium to help heat their new headquarters. You don’t want to know what they’re using in the flower beds to scare away the crows.
A vial containing blood drawn from Pope John Paul II shortly before he died will be given to a Polish church as a relic when he’s beatified later this year. The church will be responsible for protecting the relic, or as Sarah Palin calls it, “blood liable.”
There’s a new iPhone app called Oysterpedia that gives information on how to eat 200 different North American oysters. Big deal. It’s just 200 entries that say “don’t chew.”
For those not invited to the royal wedding, a London-based travel company is offering a tour of sites with links to Prince William and his fiancee, Kate Middleton. The tour includes a place where Kate once worked and the place where Wills first figured out he’d never have to.
Starbucks is bringing out its biggest drink size ever: the 31-ounce “Trenta.” Trent comes from an Italian word that means “Cupholder can also be used as an emergency diaper.”
Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee is hosting a weeklong “Christian-based” cruise along the Alaskan coast this summer. Sarah Palin says there’s no connection between this and the 400-foot-tall wall she’s building along the coastal side of her house.
A couple in Australia had to be rescued after they tried to float down a flood-swollen river on two inflatable sex dolls, prompting a warning from police that blow-up sex toys are “not recognized flotation devices.” Unless you pay extra for the new Mike and Molly models.
A legendary British cricket umpire is demanding that his hometown to move a statue of him because kids are hanging bras and panties from its outstretched arm and finger. This is another reason why we’ll never see a statue of Tiger Woods.
The CEO of the online coupon provider Groupon apologized to Japanese customers for a New Year's deal gone wrong. He had no idea they’d be so upset when he named the Japanese subsidiary Gloupon.
Undertakers in Vienna, Austria, are planning to use a crematorium to help heat their new headquarters. You don’t want to know what they’re using in the flower beds to scare away the crows.
A vial containing blood drawn from Pope John Paul II shortly before he died will be given to a Polish church as a relic when he’s beatified later this year. The church will be responsible for protecting the relic, or as Sarah Palin calls it, “blood liable.”
There’s a new iPhone app called Oysterpedia that gives information on how to eat 200 different North American oysters. Big deal. It’s just 200 entries that say “don’t chew.”
For those not invited to the royal wedding, a London-based travel company is offering a tour of sites with links to Prince William and his fiancee, Kate Middleton. The tour includes a place where Kate once worked and the place where Wills first figured out he’d never have to.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Dead Critter Country
Wal-Mart announced the closing of its Moscow office. They found out that even vodka doesn’t make cheap stuff look good.
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren has a new boyfriend and is already talking about having his kids. So it looks like Tiger isn’t the only one who celebrates a victory by getting a new club for his bag.
The NFL is reviewing the sideline incident in which Miami Dolphins cornerback Nolan Carroll was tripped by New York Jets' strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi while covering a punt. Possible punishments include a fine, suspension or being forced to play a game for the Carolina Panthers.
Beginning next year, Ukraine plans to open up the sealed zone around the Chernobyl reactor to tourists. Exhibits at this fun-for-the-whole-family park will include Fantasy-Explanation-Land, No-Tomorrow-Land and Dead Critter Country.
The Las Vegas Strippermobile is back with Santa and his bikini-wearing helpers delivering toys to a local charity. Talk about confusing. Kids who were on the “nice” list had to give their toys back as soon as they looked at the strippers.
The doctor for “Dancing with the Stars” winner Jennifer Grey says the back surgery for her ruptured disc was a complete success. Unfortunately, the doctor for third-place finisher Bristol Palin says he was unable to fix her ruptured virginity.
Miami tax officials ruled that O.J. Simpson is still entitled to a tax exemption on his Florida home while he’s in jail in Nevada. With the deduction, O.J.’s 2010 tax bill is down to a carton of cigarettes and two jugs of rotten-apple wine.
Colleges around the country are offering things like laser tag, petting zoos, karaoke parties and miniature golf to help students deal with pre-exam stress. This is really disappointing for football players who thought those were courses.
A federal judge has ruled that President Obama's health care law is unconstitutional because the government cannot require Americans to purchase insurance. In a rare show of support, future Speaker of the House John Boehner offered the president the use of his crying towel.
In an interview on 60 Minutes, incoming Republican Speaker John Boehner said that he rejects the word “compromise.” He also rejects the words “sunblock,” “nicotine patch” and “crybaby.”
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren has a new boyfriend and is already talking about having his kids. So it looks like Tiger isn’t the only one who celebrates a victory by getting a new club for his bag.
The NFL is reviewing the sideline incident in which Miami Dolphins cornerback Nolan Carroll was tripped by New York Jets' strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi while covering a punt. Possible punishments include a fine, suspension or being forced to play a game for the Carolina Panthers.
Beginning next year, Ukraine plans to open up the sealed zone around the Chernobyl reactor to tourists. Exhibits at this fun-for-the-whole-family park will include Fantasy-Explanation-Land, No-Tomorrow-Land and Dead Critter Country.
The Las Vegas Strippermobile is back with Santa and his bikini-wearing helpers delivering toys to a local charity. Talk about confusing. Kids who were on the “nice” list had to give their toys back as soon as they looked at the strippers.
The doctor for “Dancing with the Stars” winner Jennifer Grey says the back surgery for her ruptured disc was a complete success. Unfortunately, the doctor for third-place finisher Bristol Palin says he was unable to fix her ruptured virginity.
Miami tax officials ruled that O.J. Simpson is still entitled to a tax exemption on his Florida home while he’s in jail in Nevada. With the deduction, O.J.’s 2010 tax bill is down to a carton of cigarettes and two jugs of rotten-apple wine.
Colleges around the country are offering things like laser tag, petting zoos, karaoke parties and miniature golf to help students deal with pre-exam stress. This is really disappointing for football players who thought those were courses.
A federal judge has ruled that President Obama's health care law is unconstitutional because the government cannot require Americans to purchase insurance. In a rare show of support, future Speaker of the House John Boehner offered the president the use of his crying towel.
In an interview on 60 Minutes, incoming Republican Speaker John Boehner said that he rejects the word “compromise.” He also rejects the words “sunblock,” “nicotine patch” and “crybaby.”
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Coffee porn in a cup
In her new book, Sarah Palin calls contestants on American Idol “talent-deprived” people who suffer from “the cult of self-esteem.” As opposed to “Dancing With The Stars,” where her daughter Bristol who gets votes from the talent-deprived and cult of self-esteem.
In her new book, Sarah Palin says “we all had to bite our tongues” when Levi Johnston criticized her family. That explains why she has so much trouble pronounciating her words.
Eva Longoria filed court papers to divorce basketball star Tony Parker, citing irreconcilable differences. In basketball terms, she wanted to stick with the starting lineup while Tony preferred to bring in a substitute.
Scientists using the supercollider in Geneva claim they’ve created an anti-atom that may help solve what happened to all of the antimatter created by the Big Bang. For those not familiar with the term, evolutionists refer to the stuff from the Big Bang as “antimatter” while creations call it “doesn’t matter.”
The Philadelphia Eagles are going green by adding wind turbines and solar panels to their stadium. They’re hoping this will lower energy costs while messing with opponents’ kickers and shining sun in the eyes of their quarterbacks.
Tea Party darling Sharron Angle said in a recent speech that “sometimes dictators have good ideas.” She later issued a clarification that she was referring to dictators in other countries, not that Socialist Nazi currently running our country.
Chinese officials have put a stop to a new craze where newlywed couples have their wedding pictures taken in the nude. Couples wanting nude wedding pictures must now wait until they leave for the honeymoon and have them taken by airport security scanners.
A woman told Russian airport officials that her daughter was a suicide bomber in an attempt to stop her from flying away to get married. The woman was arrested and charged with making a false terror report and being a mom.
Lisa Murkowski of Alaska is officially the winner of the state’s Senate election, defeating Joe Miller, the candidate endorsed by Sarah Palin. When told the news, Miller became the second person in the country to shoot his television during “Dancing With The Stars.”
A New York coffee shop is offering a 20-ounce beverage with 10 shots of espresso billed as “coffee porn in a cup.” I thought that’s what Chock Full O’Nuts was.
Police in Idaho arrested a woman accused of posing as a plastic surgeon and performing bogus breast exams on women in bars and nightclubs. The women got suspicious when the fake doctor asked them to buy her a brandy so she could measure their breasts with the snifter.
Scientists in Boston say they have developed a laser camera that can “see” around corners and take pictures of things not in its direct line of sight. Proving once again that the inability to talk to women is the real mother of invention.
In her new book, Sarah Palin says “we all had to bite our tongues” when Levi Johnston criticized her family. That explains why she has so much trouble pronounciating her words.
Eva Longoria filed court papers to divorce basketball star Tony Parker, citing irreconcilable differences. In basketball terms, she wanted to stick with the starting lineup while Tony preferred to bring in a substitute.
Scientists using the supercollider in Geneva claim they’ve created an anti-atom that may help solve what happened to all of the antimatter created by the Big Bang. For those not familiar with the term, evolutionists refer to the stuff from the Big Bang as “antimatter” while creations call it “doesn’t matter.”
The Philadelphia Eagles are going green by adding wind turbines and solar panels to their stadium. They’re hoping this will lower energy costs while messing with opponents’ kickers and shining sun in the eyes of their quarterbacks.
Tea Party darling Sharron Angle said in a recent speech that “sometimes dictators have good ideas.” She later issued a clarification that she was referring to dictators in other countries, not that Socialist Nazi currently running our country.
Chinese officials have put a stop to a new craze where newlywed couples have their wedding pictures taken in the nude. Couples wanting nude wedding pictures must now wait until they leave for the honeymoon and have them taken by airport security scanners.
A woman told Russian airport officials that her daughter was a suicide bomber in an attempt to stop her from flying away to get married. The woman was arrested and charged with making a false terror report and being a mom.
Lisa Murkowski of Alaska is officially the winner of the state’s Senate election, defeating Joe Miller, the candidate endorsed by Sarah Palin. When told the news, Miller became the second person in the country to shoot his television during “Dancing With The Stars.”
A New York coffee shop is offering a 20-ounce beverage with 10 shots of espresso billed as “coffee porn in a cup.” I thought that’s what Chock Full O’Nuts was.
Police in Idaho arrested a woman accused of posing as a plastic surgeon and performing bogus breast exams on women in bars and nightclubs. The women got suspicious when the fake doctor asked them to buy her a brandy so she could measure their breasts with the snifter.
Scientists in Boston say they have developed a laser camera that can “see” around corners and take pictures of things not in its direct line of sight. Proving once again that the inability to talk to women is the real mother of invention.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
No wonder only the Republicans understood him
In his new book, George W. Bush says “damn right” to the question of whether her personally authorized the use of waterboarding, which he says is not torture. And he’ll gladly authorize it again, especially if his book isn’t selling as well as Laura’s.
Animal rights activists people in the Czech Republic are upset about a calendar which shows a topless model chopping the head off a pig. The revelation about the shocking photos was a double shock to the millions of guys who never saw the pig.
Doctors in China say a man impaled by 13 metal rods in a construction accident is expected to recover completely. Despite that, he still won’t let his disappointed teenage daughter get her tongue pierced.
Israel is the first country to feature a same-sex duo on its version of “Dancing with the Stars” and the women say they will alternate who gets to lead. Kind of like on the U.S. show when Margaret Cho danced with Louis Van Amstel.
Qantas grounded its Airbus A380 fleet after one of the superjumbo jets blew out an engine and was forced to make an emergency landing in Singapore with 459 people aboard. To give you some idea how scary it was, none of the passengers could fit their airsick bags in the overhead compartments or under the seat in front of them.
A group of children waiting for their morning school bus near Missoula, Montana, Wednesday morning got a shock when they spotted a mountain lion in a field just 200 feet from their stop. The smart kids used the situation as a learning experience and shoved the local bully in front of the lion.
Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. Wow, who knew that Osama bin Laden was hiding in Japan and likes to get Domino’s pizza delivered?
Nancy Pelosi says she has "no regrets" about her time as Speaker of the House. On the other hand, John Boehner doesn’t even have the job yet and he already regrets buying a portable tanning bed before measuring his new office door.
President Obama referred to the midterm election results as a “shellacking,” a term that hasn’t been in everyday use in over 30 years. No wonder only the Republicans understood him.
Fox News says it has no plans to hire defeated Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell. In fact, the only network interested in her is a small cable station looking to do a remake of “Bewitched.”
Animal rights activists people in the Czech Republic are upset about a calendar which shows a topless model chopping the head off a pig. The revelation about the shocking photos was a double shock to the millions of guys who never saw the pig.
Doctors in China say a man impaled by 13 metal rods in a construction accident is expected to recover completely. Despite that, he still won’t let his disappointed teenage daughter get her tongue pierced.
Israel is the first country to feature a same-sex duo on its version of “Dancing with the Stars” and the women say they will alternate who gets to lead. Kind of like on the U.S. show when Margaret Cho danced with Louis Van Amstel.
Qantas grounded its Airbus A380 fleet after one of the superjumbo jets blew out an engine and was forced to make an emergency landing in Singapore with 459 people aboard. To give you some idea how scary it was, none of the passengers could fit their airsick bags in the overhead compartments or under the seat in front of them.
A group of children waiting for their morning school bus near Missoula, Montana, Wednesday morning got a shock when they spotted a mountain lion in a field just 200 feet from their stop. The smart kids used the situation as a learning experience and shoved the local bully in front of the lion.
Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. Wow, who knew that Osama bin Laden was hiding in Japan and likes to get Domino’s pizza delivered?
Nancy Pelosi says she has "no regrets" about her time as Speaker of the House. On the other hand, John Boehner doesn’t even have the job yet and he already regrets buying a portable tanning bed before measuring his new office door.
President Obama referred to the midterm election results as a “shellacking,” a term that hasn’t been in everyday use in over 30 years. No wonder only the Republicans understood him.
Fox News says it has no plans to hire defeated Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell. In fact, the only network interested in her is a small cable station looking to do a remake of “Bewitched.”
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Most of his words were homonyms
In his latest book, former president Jimmy Carter blames his own church, the Southern Baptist Convention, for breaking down the separation between church and state. In response, the Southern Baptists blame Carter for breaking down the separation between peanuts and chocolate.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. I think it’s called the Westminster Flabby.
Rigby & Peller, the official lingerie provider for Queen Elizabeth II, announced a $343,000 loss in profits last year. The loss came after the announcement that it was the official lingerie provider for Queen Elizabeth II.
A Swedish man was acquitted of drunk driving after the court couldn’t rule out the possibility that he was sleepwalking. In a related story, Charlie Sheen dyed his hair blonde and changed his name to Sven.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Not surprisingly, most of his words were homonyms.
A Southwest Airlines flight from Alabama to Florida was temporarily delayed due to a suspicious white substance that turned out to be foot powder. Flight attendants knew it was foot powder when they noticed the owner was sitting in a row all by himself.
Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say a group of shadowy figures they call “star whackers” are trying to ruin his career and kill them both. Those aren’t star whackers … they’re other people named Quaid.
A University of Kansas researcher has identified five styles of flirting: physical, traditional, polite, sincere and playful. If you’re still trying to pick someone up at last call, you can add grumpy, sleepy and dopey.
Michael Jackson’s mom, Katherine Jackson, will discuss her son in an interview with Oprah Winfrey next week. Potential audience members are already lining up after hearing a rumor that Oprah will honor Michael’s memory by giving everyone a chimp.
BP PLC announced a third-quarter profit of $1.79 billion. It would have been even higher, but BP executives dropped some bags of money while laughing their way to the bank.
A Los Angeles photographer claims he set a world record by staying awake for 40 days straight. He finally fell asleep when his wife turned on a special on the life of Al Gore.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. I think it’s called the Westminster Flabby.
Rigby & Peller, the official lingerie provider for Queen Elizabeth II, announced a $343,000 loss in profits last year. The loss came after the announcement that it was the official lingerie provider for Queen Elizabeth II.
A Swedish man was acquitted of drunk driving after the court couldn’t rule out the possibility that he was sleepwalking. In a related story, Charlie Sheen dyed his hair blonde and changed his name to Sven.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Not surprisingly, most of his words were homonyms.
A Southwest Airlines flight from Alabama to Florida was temporarily delayed due to a suspicious white substance that turned out to be foot powder. Flight attendants knew it was foot powder when they noticed the owner was sitting in a row all by himself.
Actor Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say a group of shadowy figures they call “star whackers” are trying to ruin his career and kill them both. Those aren’t star whackers … they’re other people named Quaid.
A University of Kansas researcher has identified five styles of flirting: physical, traditional, polite, sincere and playful. If you’re still trying to pick someone up at last call, you can add grumpy, sleepy and dopey.
Michael Jackson’s mom, Katherine Jackson, will discuss her son in an interview with Oprah Winfrey next week. Potential audience members are already lining up after hearing a rumor that Oprah will honor Michael’s memory by giving everyone a chimp.
BP PLC announced a third-quarter profit of $1.79 billion. It would have been even higher, but BP executives dropped some bags of money while laughing their way to the bank.
A Los Angeles photographer claims he set a world record by staying awake for 40 days straight. He finally fell asleep when his wife turned on a special on the life of Al Gore.
Friday, October 29, 2010
A whopper of a hangover?
Sarah Palin says she’s run for president in 2012 if nobody else wants to. That’s the same thing Mark Ballas said on Dancing with the Stars when asked if he’d partner with Brisol Palin.
The Hells Angels are suing Saks Fifth Avenue, Zappos and fashion designer Alexander McQueen for allegedly using their name without permission on a scarf. They found out about it when they got thoudands of membership applications from guys with pink scooters.
A Irish film-maker claims a 1928 Charlie Chaplin film is proof of time travel because it shows a woman walking while talking on what appears to be a cell phone. It looks like the woman was trying to send a signal to the future because she walks past four bars.
A company in Toronto has created a Cheeseburger Cocktail, which contains rum, beef stock, tomatoes and lettuce water. Here’s my question. If you make it a double, does it give you a whopper of a hangover?
A San Francisco marijuana dispensary is offering patients free joints every time the Giants hit a home run during the World Series. That explains the thousands of glaucoma patients outside Barry Bonds’ home begging him to unretire.
The Pizza Express in Manchester, England, is investigating reports that a couple was spotted having sex in one of its restaurants after hours. The pizza chain want to avoid being sued for stealing the plot of half the porn industry’s most popular films.
NASA is conducting feasibility studies on whether astronauts could be sent on permanent, one-way missions to Mars to colonize it. NASA won’t send them to the moon because it can’t afford to pay royalties to the estates of Jackie Gleason and Audrey Meadows.
A Brazilian court ruled that McDonald's must pay a former franchise manager $17,500 because he gained 65 pounds while working there for 12 years. McDonald’s blamed the manager for thinking the phrase “Do you want fries with that?” was actually “Are you going to finish that?”
The Food and Drug Administration has decided not to approve Onexa, a highly-touted experimental diet pill, because it could cause major cardiovascular events. The manufacturer is hoping the FDA will reconsider when it starts putting the pills in bottles with Cheney-proof caps.
Former House Majority Leader Dick Armey claims that President Bill Clinton and Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich privately discussed their extramarital affairs with each other over drinks and cigars. Both men deny it, saying only that they were close but no cigar.
The Hells Angels are suing Saks Fifth Avenue, Zappos and fashion designer Alexander McQueen for allegedly using their name without permission on a scarf. They found out about it when they got thoudands of membership applications from guys with pink scooters.
A Irish film-maker claims a 1928 Charlie Chaplin film is proof of time travel because it shows a woman walking while talking on what appears to be a cell phone. It looks like the woman was trying to send a signal to the future because she walks past four bars.
A company in Toronto has created a Cheeseburger Cocktail, which contains rum, beef stock, tomatoes and lettuce water. Here’s my question. If you make it a double, does it give you a whopper of a hangover?
A San Francisco marijuana dispensary is offering patients free joints every time the Giants hit a home run during the World Series. That explains the thousands of glaucoma patients outside Barry Bonds’ home begging him to unretire.
The Pizza Express in Manchester, England, is investigating reports that a couple was spotted having sex in one of its restaurants after hours. The pizza chain want to avoid being sued for stealing the plot of half the porn industry’s most popular films.
NASA is conducting feasibility studies on whether astronauts could be sent on permanent, one-way missions to Mars to colonize it. NASA won’t send them to the moon because it can’t afford to pay royalties to the estates of Jackie Gleason and Audrey Meadows.
A Brazilian court ruled that McDonald's must pay a former franchise manager $17,500 because he gained 65 pounds while working there for 12 years. McDonald’s blamed the manager for thinking the phrase “Do you want fries with that?” was actually “Are you going to finish that?”
The Food and Drug Administration has decided not to approve Onexa, a highly-touted experimental diet pill, because it could cause major cardiovascular events. The manufacturer is hoping the FDA will reconsider when it starts putting the pills in bottles with Cheney-proof caps.
Former House Majority Leader Dick Armey claims that President Bill Clinton and Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich privately discussed their extramarital affairs with each other over drinks and cigars. Both men deny it, saying only that they were close but no cigar.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Hell's Angelfish
Many retailers are moving Black Friday, the traditional day-after-Thanksgiving start of the holiday shopping season, to the Friday before Halloween. Sounds like the name should be changed to Bleak Friday.
In a recent interview, Laura Bush said her husband’s favorite iPad app is Scrabble. W can only play for a few minutes before getting a sudden uncontrollable urge for alphabet soup.
The Guinness Book awarded an Angolan man known as the Jaw of Awe the title of world's widest mouth after he shoved a 12-ounce can of soda in it sideways. He’s also under investigation for the mysterious disappearance of a number of dental hygienists.
A British inventor has created a new underwater scooter that allows tourists to explore coral reefs without learning to scuba dive or even swim. Regular reef divers are now complaining about being terrorized by a gang of tattooed scooter riders known as the Hell’s Angelfish.
Police in Boulder say a man apparently shot himself in the knee while sleepwalking. That’s the last time he’ll go straight to bed after watching a mobster movie.
Barry Bonds says he’d like to be a hitting coach someday for the San Francisco Giants. He’s waiting for the Giants to convert a Volkswagen beetle into a batting helmet for him.
The Columbus Zoo sadly reported that the world’s longest snake in captivity has died. In lieu of flowers, zookeepers are asking fans of the 24-foot python to send pallbearers instead.
The United Nations has confirmed that furniture in its New York headquarters is infested with bedbugs. Officials are trying to decide whether to fumigate the building or just move the furniture into the Iranian delegate’s office.
Delaware Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell threatened to sue a radio station for posting a video of an interview she gave. She later backed down and threatened to turn the station owner into a frog instead.
The woman who was with Charlie Sheen during his latest drunken tirade has been identified as a 22-year-old porn star who says she’s not a prostitute. Right. She was naked in his room helping him rehearse one of those hilarious shower scenes from “Two-and-a-Half Men.”
The Museum of the Confederacy in Virginia is using x-rays to determine if two Civil War-era toy dolls in its collection were used to smuggle drugs. They got suspicious when they gave the dolls a water-filled bottle and the liquid came out of their noses instead of the other end.
In a recent interview, Laura Bush said her husband’s favorite iPad app is Scrabble. W can only play for a few minutes before getting a sudden uncontrollable urge for alphabet soup.
The Guinness Book awarded an Angolan man known as the Jaw of Awe the title of world's widest mouth after he shoved a 12-ounce can of soda in it sideways. He’s also under investigation for the mysterious disappearance of a number of dental hygienists.
A British inventor has created a new underwater scooter that allows tourists to explore coral reefs without learning to scuba dive or even swim. Regular reef divers are now complaining about being terrorized by a gang of tattooed scooter riders known as the Hell’s Angelfish.
Police in Boulder say a man apparently shot himself in the knee while sleepwalking. That’s the last time he’ll go straight to bed after watching a mobster movie.
Barry Bonds says he’d like to be a hitting coach someday for the San Francisco Giants. He’s waiting for the Giants to convert a Volkswagen beetle into a batting helmet for him.
The Columbus Zoo sadly reported that the world’s longest snake in captivity has died. In lieu of flowers, zookeepers are asking fans of the 24-foot python to send pallbearers instead.
The United Nations has confirmed that furniture in its New York headquarters is infested with bedbugs. Officials are trying to decide whether to fumigate the building or just move the furniture into the Iranian delegate’s office.
Delaware Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell threatened to sue a radio station for posting a video of an interview she gave. She later backed down and threatened to turn the station owner into a frog instead.
The woman who was with Charlie Sheen during his latest drunken tirade has been identified as a 22-year-old porn star who says she’s not a prostitute. Right. She was naked in his room helping him rehearse one of those hilarious shower scenes from “Two-and-a-Half Men.”
The Museum of the Confederacy in Virginia is using x-rays to determine if two Civil War-era toy dolls in its collection were used to smuggle drugs. They got suspicious when they gave the dolls a water-filled bottle and the liquid came out of their noses instead of the other end.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
$%#@ Our Former Star Says
According to the Census Bureau, an estimated 36 million children between ages 5 and 13 put on costumes and went trick-or-treating last Halloween. That number will be higher this year due to trick-or-treating Tea Partiers who act like they’re between the ages of 5 and 13.
A Nevada political action committee caught flak for an automated call that went out to about 50,000 homes at one in the morning. The PAC must now pay for 50,000 broken phones and 50,0000 holes in the wall.
An online store in Missouri is selling a 3-pound, 26-inch-long 4,000-calorie gummy worm that it claims is the world’s largest. It comes with the world’s smallest Jaws-of-Life to help open the mouths of anyone dumb enough to try and eat the whole thing.
An Australian man was charged with assault after tattooing a 16-inch penis onto his friend's back. The tattooed man knew something was wrong when his hand-shaped backscratcher started growing hair on the palm.
In Germany, a tiger trainer who almost mauled to death by his big cats is getting married and the tigers will serve as his best man and groomsmen. Not surprisingly, the bachelor party will be held at the local Pussycat Club.
Train stations in China are now installing vending machines that dispense live crabs. As if getting live bedbugs from the sleeping cars wasn’t bad enough.
Comedian and “Daily Show” host Jon Stewart is No. 1 on AskMen's Top 49 Most Influential Men of 2010 list, finishing well ahead of No. 21 Barack Obama. Obama would have finished higher, but the web site is called AskMen, not AskMenWhoWillLoseTheirJobsIfHe’sNotReelected.
An original Darth Vader costume from the “Star Wars” movies is up for auction in London. The owner is an anonymous American who says he can’t wear the costume anymore because the metal helmet interferes with his defibrillator and the eyeholes are too small to see the people whose faces he’s trying to shoot.
Karl Rove said in an interview that “45 percent of NPR listeners were Saddam Hussein.” If that’s true, how come 45 percent of the callers to Car Talk didn’t want advice on how to tune-up a camel?
More bad news for Charlie Sheen. The producers of “Two-and-a-Half Men” have purchased the rights to the title “$%#@ Our Former Star Says.”
A Nevada political action committee caught flak for an automated call that went out to about 50,000 homes at one in the morning. The PAC must now pay for 50,000 broken phones and 50,0000 holes in the wall.
An online store in Missouri is selling a 3-pound, 26-inch-long 4,000-calorie gummy worm that it claims is the world’s largest. It comes with the world’s smallest Jaws-of-Life to help open the mouths of anyone dumb enough to try and eat the whole thing.
An Australian man was charged with assault after tattooing a 16-inch penis onto his friend's back. The tattooed man knew something was wrong when his hand-shaped backscratcher started growing hair on the palm.
In Germany, a tiger trainer who almost mauled to death by his big cats is getting married and the tigers will serve as his best man and groomsmen. Not surprisingly, the bachelor party will be held at the local Pussycat Club.
Train stations in China are now installing vending machines that dispense live crabs. As if getting live bedbugs from the sleeping cars wasn’t bad enough.
Comedian and “Daily Show” host Jon Stewart is No. 1 on AskMen's Top 49 Most Influential Men of 2010 list, finishing well ahead of No. 21 Barack Obama. Obama would have finished higher, but the web site is called AskMen, not AskMenWhoWillLoseTheirJobsIfHe’sNotReelected.
An original Darth Vader costume from the “Star Wars” movies is up for auction in London. The owner is an anonymous American who says he can’t wear the costume anymore because the metal helmet interferes with his defibrillator and the eyeholes are too small to see the people whose faces he’s trying to shoot.
Karl Rove said in an interview that “45 percent of NPR listeners were Saddam Hussein.” If that’s true, how come 45 percent of the callers to Car Talk didn’t want advice on how to tune-up a camel?
More bad news for Charlie Sheen. The producers of “Two-and-a-Half Men” have purchased the rights to the title “$%#@ Our Former Star Says.”
Monday, October 25, 2010
Wokman
Brett Favre now admits leaving voicemails for the former New York Jets game hostess but denies sending lewd photos. Whatever he did, he’s lucky those voicemails and emails were completed before he started having so many interceptions.
Sony announced that it has ceased production of cassette Walkmans, which were first introduced in 1979. It will still be available in China where it’s known as the Wokman.
Celine Dion gave birth over the weekend to twin boys, so she now has three sons. She already has the kids enrolled in daycare in 2013, preschool in 2015 and opening for her in Vegas in 2016.
Mel Gibson is furious that he was replaced by Liam Neeson for a cameo in the sequel to “The Hangover.” Poor Mel wasted over 100 drinking binges getting into character for the role.
Mel Gibson’s ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva was offered $75,000 for a full nude photo shoot in Playboy. Not to be outdone, Mel has been offered a nude shoot in a magazine for hotheads called Ranthouse.
A librarian from Perth, Australia is in the Guinness Book of World Records for collecting the lint from his belly button every day for 26 years. While he doesn’t collect the lint, the record for years of continuous years of navel-gazing belongs to Rush Limbaugh.
Ian Poulter has angered golf fans by posting a video of himself and his children eating Cheerios out of the Ryder Cup. I think I speak for most Americans when I say, “What a Ryder’s Cup?”
In France, eleven people jumped out of a second-floor window after seeing a naked man who they mistakenly thought was the devil. If you’re working on your Halloween costume, apparently the devil now has a beer belly, man boobs and a shrinkage problem.
Cabarrus County in North Carolina is set to begin burning processed human waste at its water-treatment plant as early as next year. They’re just waiting for warning signs to post along the highway that read: “Don’t blame the dog or Grandma in the back seat – it’s us.”
A new study in Holland found that shy, introverted students are more likely to choose science subjects at school. Not surprisingly, it also found that Dutch kids with big fingers gravitate to flood control.
Sony announced that it has ceased production of cassette Walkmans, which were first introduced in 1979. It will still be available in China where it’s known as the Wokman.
Celine Dion gave birth over the weekend to twin boys, so she now has three sons. She already has the kids enrolled in daycare in 2013, preschool in 2015 and opening for her in Vegas in 2016.
Mel Gibson is furious that he was replaced by Liam Neeson for a cameo in the sequel to “The Hangover.” Poor Mel wasted over 100 drinking binges getting into character for the role.
Mel Gibson’s ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva was offered $75,000 for a full nude photo shoot in Playboy. Not to be outdone, Mel has been offered a nude shoot in a magazine for hotheads called Ranthouse.
A librarian from Perth, Australia is in the Guinness Book of World Records for collecting the lint from his belly button every day for 26 years. While he doesn’t collect the lint, the record for years of continuous years of navel-gazing belongs to Rush Limbaugh.
Ian Poulter has angered golf fans by posting a video of himself and his children eating Cheerios out of the Ryder Cup. I think I speak for most Americans when I say, “What a Ryder’s Cup?”
In France, eleven people jumped out of a second-floor window after seeing a naked man who they mistakenly thought was the devil. If you’re working on your Halloween costume, apparently the devil now has a beer belly, man boobs and a shrinkage problem.
Cabarrus County in North Carolina is set to begin burning processed human waste at its water-treatment plant as early as next year. They’re just waiting for warning signs to post along the highway that read: “Don’t blame the dog or Grandma in the back seat – it’s us.”
A new study in Holland found that shy, introverted students are more likely to choose science subjects at school. Not surprisingly, it also found that Dutch kids with big fingers gravitate to flood control.
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